Dear God, the one who is, who always has been and always will be, our Heavenly Father,
I come to You through Jesus and He speaks for me as I come boldly into Your throne room.
I need to get clarity about why I woke feeling sluggish this morning. I know I haven’t been sleeping lately, but I don’t think that’s it.
I also had a Very Bad Day yesterday. I ran into someone who has harmed me and my primordial brain jacked up the cortisol. I was highjacked by my fears because of very real things I have experienced and my body responded with overdrive hyper arousal mode.
God, I’m starting to think that I’ve been finding shelter with people when I’m scared. I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t please You. I want to stop but I don’t know how. It’s an automated response – something I learned to do as an infant.
And now that I’m older, seeking shelter in another means something different.
O God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I knocked on the window of a man I’ve loved before when I was scared in my dreams. This is a man who I believed loved me. I believed this for a long time. Not just because we connected in dreams. I’m now starting to understand someone who knows both of us has been pretending to be this man I’ve loved. I’m starting to think neither of us knew it.
God, I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk anymore. I can’t be friends with him after everything I believed. And I haven’t even seen him in years. We’re not even friends Facebook anymore.
I saw his SO this morning. Well, a version of her. I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship. I want him to be loved. He deserves to be happy and loved and successful.
But I think I came knocking on his door last night because I was scared. Because I needed comfort. I don’t do it consciously, but it doesn’t matter because it is affecting his life, God. I need this to stop. I need You to tie my hands, Abba Father, so that I cannot sin in this way anymore.
Holy Father, please keep us apart. We don’t know that we’re dreaming together. I don’t know how to resolve this. I know You do. I’m sorry I’ve been trying to do this on my own. God I confess what I’ve tried hasn’t worked and I confess I need Your help.
Thank you, God of Peace, for preserving our relationships and everything else both of us might have lost had we not come to You in Your throne room and asked for help and followed Your will.
Good Shepherd, please hold our hands and guide us thoroughly through each step Father God wills us to take.
Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup of suffering from us, yet we want Your will to be done. I want Your will to be done.
In Christ, Jenn