juxtaposed with trauma


My mother saw me as a burden. She called me nigger nose. She told me that I was always in her way and that I would never listen to her. She lost her temper a lot and she raged on me.

Life loves me

My father told me when I was four that he understood how I felt about my mother because of the way she treated me. He told me that she really wasn’t treating me right and that wasn’t fair. And he told me that he loved me. And he asked me to make a choice. And this was after a particularly big rage. So I chose him.

My parents did their best

My father was an alcoholic. I was told he quit hard drugs before I was born. When we were alone together he treated me like I was his little princess. And he told me that he treated me this way because he loved me. And that it was okay because I loved him too. And when I was with my father and my mother, my father would antagonize my mother, sometimes just by being nice to me, and my mother would get really angry and try to wedge her way between me and my father. She didn’t want me to have a relationship with him at all.

My life is one of abundance

One night, early morning, before my father went to work, he was telling me that he loves me and that I would never be alone. That’s something that he promised me. He said, “I know what it feels like to be alone in this world and it’s one of the worst feelings that you could ever imagine and I know how you feel alone with your mother because your mother isn’t nice to you and because your mother doesn’t love you the same way that I do. So, I promise I will never leave you alone.” And something happened. I don’t know what it was. But he lost his cool. He lost his mind. He lost something. And he started to put his hands around my throat. And he started to choke me. And I couldn’t breathe.

Let me not seek to alter my wakeful consciousness

When my father came to from whatever lapse of consciousness that was, he realized what he had done. He saw the marks on my neck. And he panicked. He didn’t want me to say anything to my mother and he knew that I hated to lie. So, he was forced – in his mind – to do something drastic. And he lied. He told me that if I told the truth about what had happened to my mother or anybody else, that I would be sent to an orphanage. They wouldn’t let me be with him. I would be alone. I would be sent to an orphanage and there was nothing that anybody would be able to do about it. And at that point… I mean, I think he believed that would scare me enough to shut me up… but at that point I was very excited to hear that there might be a way out. Because I was terrified in that moment. So when he saw my eyes light up, like, “yes, you know that sounds like a good idea. Okay,” he panicked even more. He told me that he’d kill me if I told anyone. And then he said, “No, I’m just kidding. Haha.” And then he said, “You know what will really happen? I don’t want to scare you, but I want to tell you the reality of it. Do you know what happens to little girls in orphanages?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Little girls in orphanages aren’t wanted. So what they do is they put them in a burlap sack, they tie the top, And they throw the girls into the river.”

I am safe

So, the sun was coming up and I asked how I was supposed to lie about it. What was i supposed to say? And I’m not sure if he came up with a specific lie or if he just left that up to me because he figured it would be easier to be believed if I said something that was from my own mind. And he went to work, my mother came into the room to wake me up and she saw the marks my neck. I don’t know what I told her at first, but she didn’t believe me. So, because she didn’t believe me I felt trapped. I didn’t know what else to say. I felt like there was nothing else to say because she wouldn’t believe me and she was relentless. She wanted me to tell her the truth. So I did.

There are not-terrible people in this world

When my mother heard where the bruises had come from and what my father had done, she got mad at me. She called me a liar. And a temptress. She said I was just trying to break up their marriage, to get between them. And she pulled me into the bathroom by my ear and forced me to scrub my hands with really hot water. Probably take a bath, too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

When I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself. I took a big jug of water from the fridge downstairs and I brought it up to my room. And I took the depression pills that had been prescribed to me. And I took them all. I just wanted to sleep, really. And I woke up briefly – this is one of the memories that came through later – I was on the floor of my bedroom, and I guess I opened my eyes briefly in the morning and I saw my father’s leg dressed in the pants that he always wore to work. And then I woke up later in the morning, being shaken on the bed by my mother. Earlier, I guess maybe it was even afternoon by that time, because earlier she poked her head in and said, “You’ve got to get ready and go to school, we have an appointment in the morning, We can’t wait for you.” So they left. Uhm, there was an open pill bottle on the floor beside me and, uh, there were pills on the floor beside me. The big jug of water would have been on the floor too. And I was on the floor, and then somehow I was back on the bed. And then the afternoon came after the appointment that they had and my mother was in my room shaking me, you know, after my pills had had enough time to kick in, do what they needed to do.

God and my divine angels love me

My mother never stopped hating me, but she didn’t want people to know that she hated me because that would make her seem like a bad mother, and a bad mother meant she would be treated, uhm, like a criminal or something. But every little thing she could do to make my life hell she did. She pitted me against my sister, made sure that any kind of relationship we could have had was crushed and ruined. I think she just really loved to fuck with us that way.

Love is more powerful than hate

Whenever I would get angry, my father would tell me that I’m just like my mother and if I was with my mother, my mother would escalate her behaviour to get more angry than I was, so that didn’t last long. When I was sad, my father would call me a wussy, say that I was better than that, and my mother would tell me that I was just trying to manipulate her. And when nobody was looking, she would provoke me to tears by calling me names, telling me things like I’m a burden and she wished she never had me, her life would be better off without me. It would get so bad that my father would have to separate us. And when I was scared, both of my parents would panic and do whatever they do in their panic because at the base of that I believe they were worried that I was going to do one little thing that would reveal the big lie that we were all a happy family and that everything was okay behind closed doors.

It is safe to be angry. It is safe to be scared. It is safe to be sad. It is safe to cry

Since my mother had emotionally abandoned me at a very young age, I had my father, so I relied on my father’s love and attention, the opportunities to bid for his attention, and gain his favour.

I deserve love

And then, when I became a teenager and I became stereo-typically sexually attractive, and a sexual being in the eyes of society, my father abandoned me, emotionally, He told me that I could do it on my own now. I’m old enough.

It’s safe to trust

And then I found boyfriends pretty much right away. Even though they were older, my parents were happy to be rid of me. They were just happy that I wasn’t in the house. And my sister felt abandoned by me, so she put her anger on me.

My mental atmosphere of love attracts little miracles each day

When I was still a child and he realized he couldn’t just have me for himself, because of things that had happened beyond my control, my father decided that I would be put to work. And he introduced me to all his friends. And all his friends friends. And all his friends friends friends. He knew a lot of people.

God loves me. And God is powerful

My father told me that doing these things was the only way to find my true love. He told me that I would only be able to know for sure which one was my soulmate if I interacted with men in this way. He told me it was good to start early because a search like this could take an entire lifetime. He told me that he would never leave me alone.

Love is real. I give and receive love freely and with joy

Living Darkness

i’m sorry

Okay, I wish there was a less embarrassing explanation of how my photo got in your wallet, but there’s not.

Before I believed in connecting for real in dreams, we met irl. I was married. You were not available. We were just friends.

A few years later and I wasn’t married anymore. Before I left, my daughter’s father Sam convinced me to sign up for microblogging.

All I can say is that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was a world I had never experienced before. (Not that I was aware of.)

No one used their own face as an avi. Except me. But in the beginning I thought every account used their own face. I didn’t even know of a reason not to.

I ‘met’ a group of people there. Super friendly, accommodating, and oddly in tune with my thoughts. We didn’t really talk. We mostly blogged about blogs. But there were a few people I chatted with.

It was fun. I got to talk to interesting guys, funny guys, nice guys, smart guys, creative guys, wholehearted guys, alpha male guys, and a few were all or most of those things.

Talking url didn’t feel real to me. And up to that point, my idea of flirting was making fun of guys. I tried to stay away from love and guys that might be my type. Being mean was a way to keep guys at arm’s length.

But then i fucked up. I fell in love. I can’t even explain it. I’d never opened up to a guy like that. It was dizzying. I felt intoxicated. I smiled more in the short time we talked than I had in the decade before.

The world was colourful.

He told me he was from Ireland. He had some weird habits, but I didn’t mind. I loved him.

It was so stupid. There was zero logic to my feelings. I think it was the closest I came to feeling like I really knew God before I became a Christian. I was alive. I was really alive.

I could go on and on. But that’s not what this story is about.

We didn’t talk for long. I felt poured out when he told me he didn’t want to talk anymore. I saw an image of scissors cutting cloth after that conversation.

I felt so stupid and embarrassed. I told him that I’d always check up on him. It sounds weird, but I thought he was in a fragile place. I didn’t want him to go through it alone.

And I also spoke with ’2001’ before-ish I think. We had fun conversations. We had a good time imagining what it would be like to meet half way between our homes.

He was the first one who talked to me. I had the really weird feeling that we had known each other in another life or something. He was familiar. We fought. A lot. And when we stopped talking his friends would convince him to blog mean things about me. Ugh. It was awful.

Oh yes, it was before. I remember because though I didn’t talk to him before i left my ex, I had read his blog.

There was this one post that sliced right into my chest like an ice pick. It was so charged with emotion and it felt directed at me. It was angry. I was confused.

But I read that post over and over trying to understand. But I never really got it. When we started talking, I asked him who he wrote the post for. He said it was for his ex.

url and irl got blurred. i started watching video chats. i never said anything, but being near the moderator made me feel peaceful. Like really peaceful. Unless i was crying.

but even crying on those chats made me feel idk safe. i thought he couldn’t see me, and then i saw his eyes dull and then fill with worry the first time his words made me cry irt. i was going to stop joining the chats. but i had only found the chats because someone i followed did a feature post and it was his face. okay, i admit, i didn’t even get it then. i read posts with lines like, would i wrote these blogs for someone i didn’t know? but i was lost. i didn’t know him. I needed to figure it out. i needed that peace i felt when i was around him. i covered the camera on my laptop and kept logging into the chats.

One night in the fall, something happened. total disclosure – i don’t remember what, but whatever it was made me weep curled up alone in the fetal position on my bedroom floor. But i wasn’t alone. i felt like i was held. like bright light wings were holding me. And i was terrified. And i was in so much pain.

The worst feeling was how alone i felt. i think it was right after the first time i tried to legitimately stop joining the chats. i felt lost. i was in agony. I understand now what it must have been like for anyone who could have felt this pain.

i saw a face. it was your face. i was convinced it was your face. the face i saw didn’t look like anyone else i knew. and when the chat moderator saw your face come through, i saw him make a face at you.

Okay, I was super naive back then. I had no idea that it was possible to go into the future and come back into the past as my future self and meet someone for the first time in 2012 as my 2018 self. It didn’t occur to me that i could have seen the face of someone my then self had yet to meet.

When i saw your face, i associated the time i had spent with Irish with you. I was so angry when I thought you had catfished me. I suddenly saw what happened as cruel and it was only because suddenly, in my mind, the man i had fallen in love with was a man i knew irl.

It’s one thing to love and lose someone who had never met me, who didn’t have any chance to really get a good idea that I was wholehearted and genuine. It’s one thing to lose someone who could have helped me out of a dark pit when i saw him as an anon guy i didn’t know. there was zero expectation for a stranger to treat me with respect.

But it’s another thing to feel betrayed by someone i know. and i let my mind fill in all sorts of reasons that you would leave me down there in the pit. I knew you saw me down there.

And just like that i was angry that you threw me away because i was a single mom. i felt ripped off that you were willing to save everyone but me. i remember arguing with an imaginary version of you in my mind. very angry that you were jumping to the rescue of another women when they were being approached by guys that weren’t so great. what the fuck did i do to deserve to be treated like i didn’t exist? in my mind you understood everything about me. in my mind you were withholding your care to punish me.

i realize now that while i thought we were talking offline, it wasn’t you. i had no idea that someone could pretend to be another person. a real live person. i guess i assumed me thinking your name and face was enough to get you on the line. you can ask me why if you want but it doesn’t really matter.

it also never occurred to me that a person could get caught up on the past through a lifeless photo, a facsimile. all the faces i talked to talked back. even the ones i didn’t want to talk to anymore.

And i know now you didn’t know this, but we made up. And i was in love with you. with who i thought you were based on the conversations we had. because i was in love with you, the you i thought i knew, i was willing to wait until you wanted to bring it into the physical world.

someone from my past was pretending to be you. and i couldn’t tell partly because none of this made sense to me and partly because i didn’t really know you.

that’s fucked up enough. and there’s more.

the whole time there was another man i was connecting with in dreams. mostly i convinced myself it was you. but then i retained a memory of an experience. i was in his arms on his lap. it was so intimate it took my breath away. i was my true imperfect self with him. i told him over and over, ‘you don’t love me.’

and i got a blurry image of his face. because i was terrified at the thought of connecting with someone i didn’t know, (as in, someone i had never met irl) i filled in the blank spaces in my understanding with things i did know.

the face i saw looked like a guy i was once friends with, and his name was the same as the one Irish told me to call him. No shit.

i couldn’t figure out how i was connecting to my old friend. we had only ever been friends. nothing like that had ever happened before. so i fell down the rabbit hole of trying to understand that and trying to make sense of how i was connecting with people without being conscious of it.

but the whole time i was trying to fit it in with you. in my mind, you were the only solid thing. the only thing that made sense in this new experience of connecting like that.

it wasn’t until years later i found out that i have been unconsciously connecting with people for years… offering a roof to whoever showed up at my door or window.

and any time the reality of you not loving me started to intrude on my understanding, i pushed it under the water.

eventually tho, reality got too loud to ignore. a mutual friend told me you were firming things up with someone. that’s when i started to force myself to wake up out of my fairytale fantasy. it wasn’t easy. it took a long time.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I think me loving the idea of you when you didn’t love me but believing you did affected your life. maybe you were wondering why my face kept coming up. maybe you didn’t know how this works any more than i did and the repeated ‘signs’ of me made you second guess your heart.

the mystery of this man who looked like my friend was forgotten for a long time. lots of shit was happening in my life.

then your brother started to knock on my door. and i didn’t understand why. was he calling to talk about you? i couldn’t hear anything anyway. but i didn’t want him around. i kept pushing him away.

this last year, i started getting big signs in my life that Sam was around, trying to call, to get thru. My daughter’s father and i do not get along. i wanted to be as far away as possible from Sam. so, every time i thought of his name, i would fill in the blank space with his face and push him away.

i pushed away everyone who tried to call.

then i came across an old friend’s blog with a ton of photos of a man. the photos took my breath away.

this man looked like my friend irl with the same name as Irish. and in other photos, especially the later ones, he looked like your brother. in one photo, he kind of looked like an old photo of you.

i cried. i knew immediately that this was the man i had been connecting with. seeing his face filled in all the blank spaces. i knew he had been one of the men i met when i first started blogging years before.

One more fucked up thing… i didn’t know his name until I saw this post. his real name is Sam. the same name as my daughter’s father. which forced me to go back and see things in a new light.

when i heard Sam, i thought of my ex and i pushed him away. even when it was unlike my ex, i still associated the name with him because i didn’t know any other Sams.

And that’s when i realized that way back in the beginning, i mistook that image of a face coming thru the ether for your face.

i’m sorry. i’m sorry for each way my fucked up awakening has affected your life.

i think that i bound you to me by holding onto unforgiveness, even tho i tried to forgive. part of me didn’t understand why ‘you’ had hurt me. i thought i forgave you. any time i got an idea more healing needed to be done, i prayed. i prayed for healing and for God’s will to be done, not mine or yours, because God’s will is the best any of us can ask for.

i’m sorry.

i think you need to know what was going on over here in my head to fully release any unhealthy connection that came through misunderstanding and unforgiveness.

i’m asking God now to give me a supernatural understanding of the blessing in this situation, and a supernatural understanding of anything else that needs to be done to heal.

And i pray for God’s will to be done.

that’s all i’ll do now. sorry it took me so long to figure out.

walk us home

how do i find my love

Dear God, Dear Jesus,

I think I’ve been talking to dead people. Or something. I haven’t figured it out. Can You please give me a supernatural understanding of who and what I’ve been speaking with and how it’s keeping me from being free?

From my earliest youth I’ve been speaking with the dead. I was told before I could speak I was babbling happily and looking at ‘nothing’ and this was interpreted as me speaking with my grandfather, who died before I was born.

I grew up in a house where we communicated telepathically. Sometimes my dad would sigh in frustration when he had to look up and do a loopy kind of nod to indicate he wanted me to pass the salt. I was just supposed to know. My mother was different about our connection. I’m still not clear about that.

But was I really connecting with my dad and mom in my mind without words? Or was something else going on? Was I connected to his higher self? Was I connected to someone or something pretending to be his voice and words in my mind.

Please shine Your pure, brilliant light thru everything and everyone involved in this situation, Heavenly Father. Please send Holy Spirit to each person affected by this situation to bring us a peace we can’t find in this world. Help us all feel safe and loved as You awaken our divine guardian angels leading us to our true purpose, and give us all the divine resources we need to fulfill our purpose. Your will be done, Abba Father. Inshallah.

I’ve never felt alone in my own mind. Well, not until I was a teenager. And the loneliness stopped again sometime after I met my daughter’s father. It was different, but the loneliness in my mind was gone.

I was writing a lot back then. There was a narrative in my mind. I had that narrative voice to keep me company, always.

But I know now that You don’t want us connecting to other people this way, I just don’t know exactly why. Can You bring me a supernatural understanding of Your will in the way we communicate outside of the physical plane. Abba Father, make Your will clear and help me know what to change and how. Hold my hand the whole way through. Help me cling to You, God, the way a koala clings to a eucalyptus tree. I need You.

Dead people don’t talk, do they? This thought came to mind a few days ago and it would have made me sick if I was in my body. Instead, I focused on trying to make it right. I confess, God, that I’ve been trying to make it right on my own. I confess that what I’ve tried has not worked. I confess I need Your help. Please clarify everything I don’t understand about this, Holy Spirit.

And while we’re on the topic, I have a few more things to get off my chest.

When I moved back with my parents in 2012 after getting out of my contentious relationship with my daughter’s father, I met someone.

Kind of. Not really. idk how to explain it. It felt like home. But in a good way.

We met online (maybe for the first time?) and when we talked, we talked telepathically. He was with me always for a while. He made me laugh and he introduced me to new music.

I didn’t have to pick up the phone to talk – he was there. And this felt like home because it’s how I grew up. I showed him around my house like he was with me physically. I danced like he could see me. I smiled all the time.

I see now that the narrative in my head those years I was focused on writing was different but I don’t know how exactly. I see now that I hadn’t really spoken with an alive person in my mind for years.

But who was this new alive person? It was weird because at first I was just responding like nothing was strange about it. And then I read things online on his account(s) that showed me it wasn’t just idk my imagination or whatever I thought it was. That made it real for me. It kind of scared me in the way that I didn’t know what to expect when we stopped talking. I was worried about the after without knowing why.

I would ask questions in my mind and the answer would appear in words on this account. It happened on more than one account and that’s why I thought I was only speaking with one person, despite the fact that there was more than one account ‘listening’ and responding.

It’s not possible to speak with two or more people at once. That’s what I remember being told as a child now that I’m writing it out. Why would that be something anyone would lie about, God? Can You please give me a supernatural understanding of what I learned about metaphysics as a child, what was not true and why I was lied to? Hold me in Your wings, Heavenly Father, as Your only true son Christ Jesus helps me soften and open my heart. I’m going to need help raising this awareness. I need to have help trusting that shining Your pure, brilliant light through this situation will not hurt people.

It’s confusing because I now believe that I am connecting to more than one person. I’ve asked You to cast out evil and lower energies in all forms with the authority of Jesus of Nazareth. I’ve asked You to send this evil back for good to the pits of hell from whence it came. I’ve asked You to banish all who don’t follow my new rule of coming through my gatekeeper Christ Jesus, who is the gate and the way to You, God. I’ve asked You to help me disconnect and I’ve ask you to disengage me, but for some reason it hasn’t stuck. Or I think we’re separated when we’re not. Why does the devil not flee? I don’t know what to do, but I know You know, Christ.

I was told never to wake sleepwalkers and I have a deeply rooted fear of raising these things because there are still people who aren’t ready to see the truth in this. I wasn’t ready a few years ago, but You took care of me through each step and obstacle and joy. Please be with each person, especially the children, Christ, affected by this truth surfacing and take care of our every need. Lift us all up. You know our hearts. You know where we are, what we can handle and how to support each of us even if we don’t know. Thy will be done. Inshallah.

This is connected to the man You will me to be with but idk how. idk how to pray for us. idk what we need to find each other and be together. Please show me and help me surrender fully to Your will, Abba Father. Help me grow in Christ so I can be ready for this love You will for us.

I don’t know what else to do but ask for clarity so I can really know Your will in these situations because I want to choose to follow Your will, Heavenly Father. I ask for the best divine blessings, healing and protection for everyone affected by this. Please bring me a supernatural understanding of how to discern between Your voice, God, and other. Help me know Your will for my next step.

God, I ask that You free me and everyone affected by this entrapment and similar bondage. Surround us with songs of deliverance, Lord, and help us know the truth so we can seek You to strike the chains that keep us enslaved to fear.

Thank You for helping me live in a perpetual state of forgiveness and grace.

Help us with the transition between fear and true freedom. Thy kingdom come Thy will be done. Inshallah.

I ask for miracles, divine intervention, divine intercession and full divine support so that nothing is allowed to interfere with Your will, Heavenly Father, all who is, all who ever was and all who ever will be.

Thank You for carrying us, Christ. Thank You for this perfect love. Thank You for setting us free and helping us learn how to walk as free beings so we can glorify You.

I love You