in the mix

for the record

When I met u I knew we’d make something together.

That was a while ago, I had already lined myself up with collaborations forever and I didn’t see how we would fit. I knew there was no way u’d get along with my PR manager.

And I’d signed a contract with a zero competition clause. Except the contract laws in my state at the time force the retrograde of previous contracts.

U were new to me back then. From a different state. Knew nothing about the contract laws over on my side of the tracks.

But then my PR manager started getting a little crazy. He went nutty or something. People in the office knew he was losing it, but I was just the talent.

I had to get out of that contract, so I talked with some of the original retrograde guys and they got me out clean.

(Or so I thought.)

And I was suddenly free to think about all the amazing things I would make with u.

We met, we talked about some ideas, started to shape things, flesh them out.

Together we made some really good music. I wrote the lyrics and sang. U played the drums.

And holy fuck those were great times. I mean, not without pain, some artistic conflict, but we were good together. I thought.

With ur beats behind me, I got a rep for having a sick flow.

tbh I didn’t know I had it in me until u drew me out. But there it was.

When my old PR manager got news of this coming success, called by so many main players in the industry, he got pretty pissed.

He felt like he had made a mistake in getting crazy and saying the things he did.

I mean, fuck, my flow is sick. I know this now.

And I guess in a way, he felt the egg on his face believing that I had been holding out on him, not even that it just wasn’t working anymore.

It didn’t help when u told him to fuck off. And I had no idea he was listening when I said what I did.

But what is done is done. Some have a hard time letting go, tho, that’s just the way it is.

Despite what was going on with my past PR manager, I was focused on u. All I wanted to do was write songs all day. To ur beats.

I was smitten with ur easy talent, with ur flow. It blew me away that u wanted to make art with me.

And then u started acting different.

By that time, I’d already fallen for this idea of our beautiful upcoming collabs. Nothing stopped ur beats. Nothing stopped my flow.

I could see the future. I saw us with the rising sun between us and felt the warm pure light of the noon sun connecting us as we walked the beaches between gigs.

when u changed, we started doing songs long distance and it seemed okay for a bit.

But then you got thrown into the mix quite by accident. I don’t think you had heard about my sick flow, but you were into it and wanted to check out my lyrics.

Our meeting was kismet. And I started to get confused.

We were meant to create together but your style was so different than even the most different of those that I was used to that I had tried to collaborate with.

I don’t like trying to work on more than one project at a time when there’s other people involved.

Solo projects are different. Too many people make for weak beats, if you ask me.

So, never having been in a similar situation, I didn’t really know what to do.

And the post u sent me got lost, but the mail kept coming through. I didn’t notice anything different about the flow.

The whole time, though, it turned out to be an imposter who found ur style on SoundCloud and said it was u.

There I was waiting for u to come back to town, trying to figure out what you were all about, if it was real too, while the conman was sliding into my fucking inbox like he was u.

If I had received the letter u wrote, I would have read that u no longer wanted to work together. U found a new sound. U didn’t think my flow was that sick anymore. U had moved on.

But I thought u wanted me to keep sending my lyrics and my samples.

The whole time I was making songs with a liar, a poseur, a pusher of beats that weren’t his.

And you were trying not to scare me away because you saw my hands tremble when I picked up that last drink. You were taking it slow and steady because you saw my fear.

I didn’t realize u had stopped sending me beats. I didn’t realize u weren’t into my flow.

On top of all that, it turns out the only reason u wanted to work with me is because u knew my girl from way back. And learning that really hurt.

I wanted to be discovered on my own. I wanted to break out without relying on my girls, right. That’s just me. I’m like that.

I ended up missing out on possibly making some great stuff with you because I left a space for u in my career when u didn’t even want to be part of it anymore.

And the whole time some asshole was sliding through with ur beats acting like u, writing like u, everything.

I’m feeling a little depressed about my career now.

I tried to get back to you, but I didn’t get very far.

What does that conversation sound like? Hey, listen, I know I treated you like a total bitch when I finally said no, I can’t work with you. But can you forgive me? Do you still want to make music?

Why would anyone give me a second chance to work together after a no?

That is the kind of thing I never understood.

This is why I like to work with one person at a time. It’s fair. It’s honest. It’s simple.

And there’s less chance of losing people to work with. Or maybe that’s not even true. Maybe it’s a story I tell myself.

Compassion Is A Free Will Choice

stream of conscious thoughts about the class war

Why haven’t we called this what it is yet?

We’re in the middle of a class war.

Are we all too hooked by our personal sorrows that we can’t see the bigger picture, and therefore the path to healing?

Yes. My opinion is yes.

The simplest way to describe this clash is haves vs have nots.

This clash is causing serious suffering and it’s time to rise up together.

Not together as in within the groups we feel comfortable identifying with – not together as women, LGBTQ, indigenous people, people of colour, people with mental illness, disabilities, low income, immigration status, or any other group of people who are currently being oppressed in some way.

It’s not a war against each other. It’s not a competition to see who has the most suffering.

All suffering is equal.

Each one of us struggles with a poverty of sorts. There is poverty of finances, power, equality, privilege, respect, understanding, self-love, resources and many other poverties.

While we fight over who has the most pain, the elitists are winning.

The people who are currently in power running the show don’t want you to know one simple thing:

We are stronger together. Always.

We have more power than they want us to realize.

But we need to feel like we have enough in order to give to others. Especially to those we don’t identify with, those we justify ignoring by seeing them as being separate from us.

The more we fight against, the more energy we waste, and the more we affirm our scarcity.

If we felt like we had enough, we would not be fighting, there would be nothing to fight, no struggle.

But there is a struggle. We’re all struggling. And rather than focusing on our similarities, we have been focusing on our differences.

When we focus on what makes us different, we focus on the principle of division.

Do we want to be divided? Do we want to stay pieced out in our separate very small (comparatively) groups fighting for the same thing using different language but only fighting for one group?

If we want to get through this and make a difference bigger and better than we can individually imagine, we need to start working together. Not against such other.

And the place to start is by seeing, understanding, acknowledging, and making and holding respectful space for everyone who is struggling with poverty of some kind.

I’m spinning my wheels because we’re all spinning our wheels. The universe is within me, as it is within you.

This movement will bring traction.

It starts small. Take one step to show the universe that you accept that our suffering is equal.

It doesn’t have to start with believing this about everyone.

Take a look at your neighbour who is struggling to get around in her walker this heavy-snow winter.

Take a look at your co-worker who struggles to pay the hydro as a single mom, while you eat lobster every Saturday.

Take a look at your sister who struggles to get out of bed because she’s fighting depression.

Do one thing today to really break open perception, to accept another’s difference as no better or worse than your difference.

It might just be what we need.

this is the story of loneliness:

(of loneliness)

He tries but he’s trapped in fear

He wants to but he doesn’t have confidence

He thought about it but it was too much for him to handle and he didn’t want to hurt me

He’s shy

He has my best interest at heart

He’s had a bad year

He just can’t get beyond that last big mountain

He dreams but it’s not practical

______ convinced him we weren’t right for each other

He was hurt and needs time before he really opens his heart

He wasn’t appreciated so he doesn’t know his value

He can’t love me bc he doesn’t love himself, but he tries

His lifestyle doesn’t match mine but it’s not a deal breaker

He’ll make the choice one day

It’s complicated

He’ll be back

He knows how I feel about him, I don’t need to say it out loud

He doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into

He can’t possibly want me like this