TATBILB

we need to talk – thru God –

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Dear God, the one who is, who always has been and always will be, our Heavenly Father,

I come to You through Jesus and He speaks for me as I come boldly into Your throne room.

I need to get clarity about why I woke feeling sluggish this morning. I know I haven’t been sleeping lately, but I don’t think that’s it.

I also had a Very Bad Day yesterday. I ran into someone who has harmed me and my primordial brain jacked up the cortisol. I was highjacked by my fears because of very real things I have experienced and my body responded with overdrive hyper arousal mode.

God, I’m starting to think that I’ve been finding shelter with people when I’m scared. I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t please You. I want to stop but I don’t know how. It’s an automated response – something I learned to do as an infant.

And now that I’m older, seeking shelter in another means something different.

O God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I knocked on the window of a man I’ve loved before when I was scared in my dreams. This is a man who I believed loved me. I believed this for a long time. Not just because we connected in dreams. I’m now starting to understand someone who knows both of us has been pretending to be this man I’ve loved. I’m starting to think neither of us knew it.

God, I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk anymore. I can’t be friends with him after everything I believed. And I haven’t even seen him in years. We’re not even friends Facebook anymore.

I saw his SO this morning. Well, a version of her. I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship. I want him to be loved. He deserves to be happy and loved and successful.

But I think I came knocking on his door last night because I was scared. Because I needed comfort. I don’t do it consciously, but it doesn’t matter because it is affecting his life, God. I need this to stop. I need You to tie my hands, Abba Father, so that I cannot sin in this way anymore.

Holy Father, please keep us apart. We don’t know that we’re dreaming together. I don’t know how to resolve this. I know You do. I’m sorry I’ve been trying to do this on my own. God I confess what I’ve tried hasn’t worked and I confess I need Your help.

Thank you, God of Peace, for preserving our relationships and everything else both of us might have lost had we not come to You in Your throne room and asked for help and followed Your will.

Good Shepherd, please hold our hands and guide us thoroughly through each step Father God wills us to take.

Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup of suffering from us, yet we want Your will to be done. I want Your will to be done.

In Christ, Jenn

Dear Tim (my daughter’s father):

for clarity

This is for the guy who thought every letter was about him… bc some of them should have been, considering how long we knew each other.

You hurt my feelings and I was too humiliated to tell you. I didn’t want to give you ammunition that would actually pierce the scaly armour I had pulled over my heart after you stopped loving me. I wanted to reserve room for hope that you’d reconcile your conflicted feelings about me when I came home from Vancouver in almost-1998 for Christmas.

I didn’t want to believe you had given up on me just bc I wanted to travel and find myself. And now you know I can live in denial for a long time. I guess we both can.

I’m sorry I turned to my father when you stopped loving me. I’m sorry I found shelter in his cold spaces bc I believed your unlove was something I would have to live with for my whole life.

It was something I did as a child when my mother was relentlessly vicious with her words and her rejection. I was constantly seeking shelter as a child. I didn’t learn how to do this part of life differently until after I couldn’t take your relentless viscous words and hatred anymore.

The truth is, we should have just been friends. I shouldn’t have agreed to be your girlfriend bc you told me you would take your friendship away if we weren’t going to be more. And when you lost love for me, you should have left. But you didn’t. I don’t wonder why anymore bc I think I have it all figured out. God’s the only one who knows, though.

I’ve learned that no human space can keep a person from getting hurt. If God’s peace doesn’t keep us from feeling pain, then no human space could ever do that.

It was too scary to put myself in a position of getting hurt. It was too scary to be more vulnerable than I was.

And as a teen, I was disappointed that you weren’t able to provide shelter for me. Though I would never admit it, I needed shelter. Later, I became devastated when you continued to leave me out in the rain while ‘sheltering’ others, doing it to hurt me and for other reasons.

Somewhere in the back of my mind where you would never be able to hear me, I was thinking ‘haha’ and then ‘fuck you, I don’t need your shelter I have my own’.

Instead of just facing reality and leaving, I chose to subconsciously side with my father who was better than you at keeping me safe from the wolves. Because he was a wolf.

But you didn’t know that. Or you thought you could handle him bc you didn’t know what his definition of a wolf was. Wolves crash parties but they do it coming through back doors at four in the morning when even the die hard drinkers are sleeping.

You don’t know what that means and that’s part of the reason you felt safe to me. I had the chance to be with wolves and I didn’t want that. And I didn’t know until it was all over that being with a non-wolf didn’t mean being safe.

I cried in 2010 as I watched Jake Gyllenhaal choose Maggie in Love & Other Drugs. I knew that you’d never love me like that. I knew you’d always resent anything you would need to do to take care of me.

My father wasn’t like that (out loud), but my mom was. I didn’t know there was anything else.

When we were together, I loved you as much as I could love with my fearful heart. And when my heart broke open in 2009, I wanted to love better. But you didn’t. The more tender my heart became, the more your callous disregard hurt. And then I saw that it was intentional.

I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t loved you for a long time, outside of the kind of love I have for all humans.

It did shock me to realize how important things about me had slipped through your consciousness. I never would have left until I was sure. I subconsciously feared the punishment I’d have to endure if I left and then came back for any reason.

I didn’t know why back then, but it’s clear now. You’ve been punishing me since I made the decision to join Katimavik in 1997. My mom said it would be good for me. Much to her disappointment, it was.

That’s not love. I used to think it was.

I don’t love you now and I won’t love you in the future. And now we can’t even be friends. Too much has happened. You’ve done things that I have forgiven but will never forget. The forgiveness came through the grace of God.

I’ve learned in the last year that I need a Godly man. I can feel safe being under the authority and protection of a man who submits to our Holy Father. And I believe a man committed to serving our Lord Jesus will know how to love me even though I believe still that I’m not easy to love.

No matter how easy I am to love, I’m worthy of love. Love that comes from God.

SONGS FOR INSOMNIACS: divine sorrow

song 10

This is my 3am song at 1:15, my icky journal.

Here I am afraid to sleep and here I am running out of ink. I don’t want to be awake something is happening and idk what

Lord, I’m scared something is about to happen. idk what, but I’m afraid it’s going to be big and painful. My mind is pulling me off Your path by trying to guess so I can feel like I know and feel prepared. But I don’t want to know. I’m sorry for relying on my own understanding, Abba Father. Everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering from me, yet I want Your will done, not mine.

I’m so fucking tired ….. I called the crisis line I hate that I’m in crisis. I hate even more that I’m in crisis and I have no non-strangers to call at 2am….

God, if there is someone out there who is listening and trying to help but we can’t talk for obvious reasons, I need them to GO AWAY please. I can’t fucking deal with one more person helping.

I’m just over here trying to talk to God, Jesus, and it’s starting to feel like I can’t get through bc the light I need to get thru is being swamped and snuffed by moths.

GRIEF BEHIND MY LEFT SHOULDER BLADE

the only people who can help me now are those who can detach and connect with God so they can lift my needs and help God hear me and help me here God

THRU HOLY SPIRIT

come Holy Spirit

there…

after a brief pause I finally yawned. I must be in my body now. I guess that’s something to be grateful for…

I’m so tired I swear I can smell the corpse flower all the way up the 400. It sucks that I can’t sleep bc I’ll probably miss church. And I really need church. I need people filled with the Holy Spirit.

This is my first Songs For Insomniacs for *me*

I get the misspelled words now

and it’s so horrifyingly beautiful

INSTANT CRIPPLING TMJ

<i refuse to allow it to keep me from finishing that thought i will address it when i’m done>

I’m glad someone found the other side

Listen, anger: do you want me to suffer in this painful upside down way forever? Caught in another’s chords? bc if you do, step to the side.

If you don’t, please ask God why I’m stuck like this. Beg Him to break your heart.

How many lines have I written to someone other than God?

dont play Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. I won’t tell you the truth bc I’m afraid of how you’ll react.

It scares me to not know what a person is willing to do when s/he feels hurt

It scares me more to maybe step out of your boundaries of pain tolerance and get a smack in the mouth.

There… I wasn’t thinking about the things that have been torturing me all day. I haven’t thought about it in ten minutes. This window could be all I need to get to sleep.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you invited me in for tea when I just needed to breathe

Didn’t you see me red faced and sweaty, doubled over unable to speak?

Or did you skip over that the way I skipped over the sound of your kettle boiling?

I’m going to try to sleep now

Alone

But for Jesus the Nazarene, the Good Shepherd