During my very first guided meditation, I was in a circle with a bunch of people and my parents.
My mother sat beside me. My father was a few blocks away in his home.
And I pray to God to help me release resistance to healing. It’s not my fault.
As soon as the drum was hit I was transported to a place that felt familiar. But it was like I was seeing it for the first time.
Like this place had only been described to me when I believed myself to be blind.
The leader of the guided meditation said he was asking our guides to come in now and bring us each through it.
My guides came in. Well, one did. Well, that’s what I thought happened.
I felt a light on one side. I saw the light on one side. And then it ‘became’ my guide – get it?
This guide of mine had dark hands. It freaked me the fuck out.
Having lived in a world of only being able to see in dark and light (we think it’s black and white, but it’s dark and light), having a dark hand on my shoulder where there was once brilliant fucking light, scared the shit out of me.
I started to panic. But the guide calmed me. Shhh. Just like an angelic guide. A divine guide. Shhh don’t be afraid.
But I was. I had questions. Why are you so dark? Or, not of the light. Why are you not of the light?
And this ‘guide’ answered. He said I’m a bird. I’m your animal guide. I’m an eagle and that dark is really the black of my wings.
Oh. Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense. But I still feel afraid. I don’t like it.
Shhh, it’s okay. It’s normal to feel afraid during new experiences. That’s all it is. You’re just nervous because this is new.
Oh. Okay. I guess that makes sense.
And then I made a move to look to my side to see my guide and the guide said no.
What? My central nervous system was peaking at that point. Why!? Why can’t I look at you?
You’ll be frightened by my appearance.
And this was true. If I had looked to see what this ‘guide’ looked like, I would have been afraid. I would have been fucking terrified.
I would have had questions. Like, why the fuck are you doing this? What is your purpose in my life? Who are you?
Let nothing interfere with my divine right to feel peaceful.
So, slowly, God supported me fully in opening my heart to the truth while keeping me out of danger.
I didn’t even feel deserving enough to speak to God when this happened.
I didn’t know how to pray. I didn’t know how to listen.
Yet here I stand.