I wasn’t feeling vehemently critical of anything or any person this morning when I woke up.
But since the moment before I opened my eyes, when my consciousness begrudgingly surfaced from dreams that felt better than anything I knew I’d feel today on the physical plane, this is the vibe that’s coming to me.
It’s almost like the people around me are being replaced one by one with grumpy monsters.
Only briefly. And it happens slowly so it almost looks like whatever is taking over is coming from within them.
How do I explain to new friends that if we go for coffee, we might be visited.
Knowing we surely will. Knowing it happens every day whether I’m sitting down for tea or dancing up the street or getting on the bus.
How do I say to everyone I could possibly meet within a day, hey, we’re all vessels. We are channels. And the universe is energy, right? So draw white circles around you. Smiley face! Heart, heart, heart.
Do I make reference to that song that’s been remixed about five times now since the summer. You know, “lovin on the psychopath sittin next to you”, and just take it from there?
My earthbound spirit attachments don’t follow any rules. They don’t mind sharing. In fact, if I remember correctly, that’s the whole fucking point.
And if I tell people I had a shady past, can they guess how far behind me that past is now?
Do I start with, “You’ll never believe me”?
Do I try to use a metaphor rather than speak directly about my experience and how I fear these unwanted connections are still hanging around like stalkers and the scent of blue cheese that never came out of my vintage cotton dress?
Or do I just let go? Trust that God will protect everyone. Trust that whatever I’m being tested with is for the highest and best possible good, not only for me, but for everyone involved in all directions of time.
And in the meantime, I’ll just deal with this loneliness. I’ll just accept that poverty as part of my path. Just trust that my path is leading somewhere not only worth all this hell, but also possibly really amazing for myself and others.
In the meantime, as I walk through this hell, or crawl, I’ll try to be grateful for the things You have brought me.
What beautiful gifts, btw. This sunshine on a warmish winter afternoon, the clouds, the birds. Angels.
And you know what, God? Thank you for this pain. I know it’s only temporary.
Everything will work out for the best. I do trust that.
My faith is strong.
Even when my levels are all running so low and things are coming at me from all sides.
I guess believing it’s going to be okay is that leap of faith You were showing me, hey?
Okay. Here we go.