the fall

a great day to be tender hearted

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and i’m just a little afraid to be loved now, she says

hey, remember when i kept asking if you were real?

i had no idea back then how mad it drove you

remember that time we inspired a visiting film crew with the way we looked at each other, how the director told us that it was love?

remember the way everyone smiled at us when we walked in with our arms around each other?

remember that time we stayed up until sunrise and painted the sky with our words and then watched the stars shift and shine brighter when you pointed to them

remember when i called you an asshole jerk face in front of everyone? i’m still sorry about that.

remember those really good pancakes on Bathurst?

remember the time i thought it was you singing love songs on a crowded street and i almost turned around to kiss a stranger?

remember the day i told you that i loved you – not ‘too’ not ‘also’ but just that i loved you

remember that time you left?

but you never really left not really

i’m sorry i made you fall in love with me, he says

i’m not, she replies. not now not ever again

because what we have, whatever this is, this love, it will always be ours

no matter what, we have us, whatever that means

no matter what paths life brings us through, i believe they will all lead to you

and i am patient now

my inner horse has learned a diaphragm breathing technique

it was easier than always having to build a new stable when i thought of you

i miss talking to you every day

i miss standing in your kitchen

i miss going through your rare book collection, trying to figure out which you’d read the most that month by the way your dialect shifted, because you’ve always been that guy who alphabetizes his collections

and i love that about you

because i love you

and it’s not my love to keep, it’s yours to have

remember that time you said you were going to lie to me and i took it so chill, like nothing phased me

and that night we slept on the couch

and the first time you tried to show me around your house but i knew what novel you had in the drawer so i suggested we stay in one room

remember when you used to write in every margin of every book, even my books, and i started getting pissed off because it was too arm’s length for me, because it felt critical

Or the first time you checked that leak in my sunroof and you kept saying shit like, “Very good,” when i answered in a way that pleased you and i was like, “Who talks like that?”

but you kept doing it and i started to believe that you couldn’t really see me because the only other people who spoke to me like that never could see me, though they got good at pretending

and the time i couldn’t look at the sky for weeks after you left

but we met again and after that i couldn’t keep quiet

i wore the shirts you liked best, not because i wanted to impress you (bc fuck that!) but because i wanted to be near you

and i thought you wanted to be near me

i get it now well kind of in a way i do get it and i still love you

no, not still

not too

i love you.

and i want to fall in love with you every day, because each day we are new people and i want that adventure of falling in love with the same person to always be with you

i come with no strings, you bring no guarantees

take off the cleats, tho

i’ll wear my ballet flats

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently studying psychology. My odd way of viewing the world either gets me kicked out of parties or invited to them. Jenn McKay

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