and i’m just a little afraid to be loved now, she says
hey, remember when i kept asking if you were real?
i had no idea back then how mad it drove you
remember that time we inspired a visiting film crew with the way we looked at each other, how the director told us that it was love?
remember the way everyone smiled at us when we walked in with our arms around each other?
remember that time we stayed up until sunrise and painted the sky with our words and then watched the stars shift and shine brighter when you pointed to them
remember when i called you an asshole jerk face in front of everyone? i’m still sorry about that.
remember those really good pancakes on Bathurst?
remember the time i thought it was you singing love songs on a crowded street and i almost turned around to kiss a stranger?
remember the day i told you that i loved you – not ‘too’ not ‘also’ but just that i loved you
remember that time you left?
but you never really left not really
i’m sorry i made you fall in love with me, he says
i’m not, she replies. not now not ever again
because what we have, whatever this is, this love, it will always be ours
no matter what, we have us, whatever that means
no matter what paths life brings us through, i believe they will all lead to you
and i am patient now
my inner horse has learned a diaphragm breathing technique
it was easier than always having to build a new stable when i thought of you
i miss talking to you every day
i miss standing in your kitchen
i miss going through your rare book collection, trying to figure out which you’d read the most that month by the way your dialect shifted, because you’ve always been that guy who alphabetizes his collections
and i love that about you
because i love you
and it’s not my love to keep, it’s yours to have
remember that time you said you were going to lie to me and i took it so chill, like nothing phased me
and that night we slept on the couch
and the first time you tried to show me around your house but i knew what novel you had in the drawer so i suggested we stay in one room
remember when you used to write in every margin of every book, even my books, and i started getting pissed off because it was too arm’s length for me, because it felt critical
Or the first time you checked that leak in my sunroof and you kept saying shit like, “Very good,” when i answered in a way that pleased you and i was like, “Who talks like that?”
but you kept doing it and i started to believe that you couldn’t really see me because the only other people who spoke to me like that never could see me, though they got good at pretending
and the time i couldn’t look at the sky for weeks after you left
but we met again and after that i couldn’t keep quiet
i wore the shirts you liked best, not because i wanted to impress you (bc fuck that!) but because i wanted to be near you
and i thought you wanted to be near me
i get it now well kind of in a way i do get it and i still love you
no, not still
i love you.
and i want to fall in love with you every day, because each day we are new people and i want that adventure of falling in love with the same person to always be with you
i come with no strings, you bring no guarantees
take off the cleats, tho
i’ll wear my ballet flats