The crow on the gas station roof is watching the way I’m holding my phone. Trying to figure out if it’s different today than yesterday, if it’s a way he has seen before.
Mike is singing in my ear and it’s his voice but a new beat. I keep thinking of the way he dances, the way he puts his hands in his hair.
I am breathing as I learn more about out of body. Trying to focus on forming the words in my mind – ‘with this in breath…’ – but I can only get ‘I am breathing in…’ and then ‘I’m breathing…’ and ‘breath”.
Woke up into the grey rainy morning. The sky isn’t even a rich slate, it’s light grey, barely pigmented, and it’s a solid cloud fill.
But I don’t need gills. Here I am. I am. And now the collide of all the voids that come as we read that line together. Do you feel it? I am. Close your eyes and breathe. Don’t hear the odd texture coming from this song in my ears, rushing through my mind.
Close your eyes with me and think, ‘I am’ and the voids will meet.
This day is like a blanket around me. It already feels like June. Though the air is chilled, I’m warm like there is a sun above me just for me.
Nothing matters, I remember screaming last night. I was yelling at the ghosts in my mind, working through the sharps and flats.
This morning, I feel like nothing matters in a completely new way.
I saw some green shoots the other day that might be tulips. At this time of year, they usually are. It will be a good day when I walk by and see what colour they are.
And dead birds that scared me at first. Fear that it wasn’t just a metaphor. What struck me about these beautiful creatures was that they were whole.
I think I am holding my phone differently today, crow. And I don’t feel the need to hide it.
Here is me in my body, losing my breath, beside reality. Or maybe ahead of it or behind it, I don’t know.
But it doesn’t matter. The little details like becoming oriented in time and direction don’t matter to me in this moment.
I spent the evening working through the plot of my next attempted novel. Breaking through barriers with the D chord. Taking the sharp As with as much grace as I could muster.
And I woke to a whole new world. And I like it here.
Everyone’s dressed up in the cafe today. There must be a big party somewhere nearby.