this is my fire

Meet me where I am


Oh God, I have sung my love for you before 40,000 people
my heart has been faithful to what I believed you wanted me to believe
Yet, because my songs have been misunderstood, I have found myself in trouble
They think my love is a siren call
and they hand me the keys to the ploughs that clear the catacombs of their hearts
I have always done my best to follow true love’s directive
even before I knew what it was
And now I wish to walk tall and grounded in light
Not just any light, the most brilliant light that washes away darkness from even the stickiest, most tangled black hose webs
God, how can I carry all these keys when the ploughs each need an operator

I admit I thought I knew best how to preserve our goodness, when I thought it was up to me
I confess, when I thought the universe was cold and unruly, my way felt like truth
I lay down my arrogance for you, the ways I have hollowed when I believed I knew how to love
yet I know nothing but my need for your help
You know there are only so many places I can be at once
and though my heart is as wide as your skies and as deep as your oceans,
I’m beginning to question my earliest understanding of love
You know what they did to the pathways that I thought could never be communal but for good
You know what carrying each lost soul has done to me

Forgive me, you must forgive me, for I fear without mercy for us all, we will collapse suddenly across the universe
I fear we will become empty and not know how to fill with unfailing love
Be kind to us all, for I fear without your kindness, once I lay down this whip and turn my face to your ocean, we will be washed away like dust
Be patient with me as I learn to trust, after everything, that love is powerful and graceful
Thank you, God, for holding my hand as I let go of each need I have harboured before I believed in true love
Forgive me, I beg you, as I turn out all that I have held back
I need you to help me have faith that your wrath is just, for I fear no-one on your earth has sheltered quite like me

Please take me into the wings of your archangel Azrael as I allow your courage to follow your will, Lord
Hold me as I weep in the in-between of hope that you have me, that you have us all
For I once believed we were here alone
and I once believed to be alone was the gravest burden
Help me regain your grace, Lord, as I stumble over these stones
Make me an instrument of peace as my heart chokes up all she has hidden in fear
Know my pain as deeply as you know those who hate me
Buoy me and search for me as I turn my back on all I turn out
Help me find some sort of joy in the midst of this grief, Lord, so I can stay close to you, for I fear these sorrows will keep me
I fear this grave sadness doesn’t plan to let me go
Save me from being ripped apart as I reach for You, for I fear that which I’ve harboured won’t give up gracefully
Take my worries, God, take my heart, take all of me
Teach my hands to steady as I walk Your love

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently working on another one. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I write fiction and poetry focused on themes of CPTSD, trauma, grief, healing and the light that comes after the darkness. I love Jesus. Jenn McKay

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