Dear God, It’s Me, Desperate

My hands are out, palms up and
You have me


My hands are out, palms up and
You have me, I even feel the power of Your strength keeping me up
My scarf is starting to unravel and my bare throat is exposed
the harsh flourescent light, the recycled frozen air
The red would be better behind me because in front it could trip me up

Lord, let all of me wait quietly before You
hold me as I struggle to trust Your open bottle
They told me Your brew was poison
They said theirs was the only good
And I believed them, God, forgive me for trusting them instead of You
For this vulture medicine You put in my stomach made it possible to drink from their cup without dying
That, or You brought me back to life each time I’ve died in their arms

When I look down at my skates, my legs wobble
yet when I look to You, brilliant smiling face, looking not behind You for You put everything there that could be there,
When I look to You, when I keep my eyes on You, Lord, I am steady
no matter how many hounds Your brother sends to skate beside me to shout into my ears loud as if they lived inside my head
For as long as I look to You, Lord, I am steady
no matter how many elbow-loving blockers he sends

Let all that I am wait quietly before You in the midst of violence
Help me seek Your face no matter which way they turn me
help me trust You see a purpose, that You can turn this into good
as I choke back sobs, pinned down, forced to watch my loved ones
whipped and violated and ensnared
Lord, help me trust that it’s in Your will for me to wait as I helplessly watch those I love fall into the hands of Your brother, Satan, and turn against other loved ones
as I watch You stand back and allow the devil to walk these people into darkness that can but won’t be undone
Help me release this anger that clouds my sight
to surrender to Your will in this chaos that You’ve allowed to continue
Help me trust, Lord, that You don’t want me to wield this power You’ve bestowed
that You don’t want me to tell these betrayers that when they realize they have crossed one who speaks anger in tongues, they have only two choices – to run or to get on their knees and pray

The demons that control them lie with each breath
taking in that which most cannot imagine
And I weep for them, Lord, I weep as You allow this to happen, asking me to allow them to pin me down when You’ve given me the strength to turn them to dust
Help me to trust that You do not want me to put on my cleats
that You do not want me to break free of this hold to run to those currently being tortured
that You don’t want me to dissolve the arms of the violent in barrels of their own caustic acid

Lord, I’d kneel but I’m being pinned to the ground on my back, eyelids held open with toothpicks
Do You wish for me to wait patiently in this?

The only thing that brings me peace is the thought that this is the last of the temptations
and that Your will is for evil to be forever eliminated from Your kingdom
I find comfort in Your word, that all that is done without the Lord will be undone
that the only truth that will remain standing is all done with You, Lord

I need You now
none of what I have to do can be done without You
Do not allow me to lose You
bring me back to You each time I turn my head believing it’s my job to rescue them
Help me believe that it’s not what You will for me
Help me see the truth, Christ, that You are the one who will crush his head with Your heel
that You are the only one who can withstand his venom

Help me look not to the world, but to You for everything
bring my eyes back to You when I falter at the sounds of their pain

You alone are my strength and salvation, God
help me use the gifts You’ve equipped me with in Your name alone
help me hear Your will loud and clear through the madness surround
lend me the faith You had as You walked on this earth as Jesus of Nazareth
comfort me as I drink only the cup You will, God
walk me home as You teach me to skate

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently working on another one. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I write fiction and poetry focused on themes of CPTSD, trauma, grief, healing and the light that comes after the darkness. I love Jesus. Jenn McKay

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