Nursing Lies That Tripped Me

(Me Growing Up 1)

Oh, this pink flamingo has no legs
but it’s plastic so maybe it’s a good thing
When I was a daughter, I was certain stillness was death
As a smoker, I’d get hot coals in my eyes, cigarette ashed by the wind
Now I wonder if I was always numb
No, I wonder how long ago I was frozen
It’s taken me a lifetime to accept the mercy of this
To step outside of grace long enough to see myself, to believe there was a me
I wanted everyone to be happy
So I did my best to fill them up with the pure light that poured through me from above
And when this light that wasn’t mine to keep was taken and twisted into something dark to float ugly broken organs, I believed it was my fault
My ego needs a challenge
That is my fault
It soon felt like those who opened their arms to this love
that’s not mine to keep
were put in my path to taunt me
This wasn’t easy to admit
It means I chose to fill those who didn’t want my light over those who did
Because that fear of stillness that wasn’t mine quietly ignited my fiercely competitive nature
To be fair, I did give my light to everyone, ceaselessly and without question
But I chose to focus my time, my resources on trying to inflate collapsed organs that had become mushy with mould
I chose to believe that if I took the light away, I was the only hurt in a world viscous enough to liquify humans
I chose to believe something impossible was possible
To believe anything else would have left me homeless


Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently working on another one. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I write fiction and poetry focused on themes of CPTSD, trauma, grief, healing and the light that comes after the darkness. I love Jesus. Jenn McKay

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