On The Side Of The Road

on my knees in the fucking grocery


Dear God, dear Jesus of Nazareth,

I’m on my knees in the fucking grocery store. In my head I’m screaming and kicking on the floor like a child having a fit. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong and there is nobody here to tell me in which direction to turn my head.

I’m exhausted. My body has just shut down and I can’t even begin to explain what is happening.

Ten minutes ago I was in the grains aisle smiling and taking photos. Ten minutes ago I was care fucking free half gliding half riding the cart down the household paper aisle making forts with cartoon bears and fluffy kittens.

And then my thoughts switched. I didn’t direct them. Someone beside me picked up a jar of pre-made sauce and his face came flying at me like a wayward football. I didn’t lose consciousness.

That I know of.

Did I lose consciousness, God? What do you think, Jesus? Is it weird that I think you two may disagree? Am I crazy? Or am I just getting it all wrong?

My body doesn’t work when You’re not with me. But You know that. Don’t you? Do I have to tell you everything? Because I thought you knew everything.

Every single person who believes in you, from all different backgrounds and specific beliefs and religions, has told me that You are all knowing. You know each hair on my head, the reason I tilt my chin to the left when I make a funny face, how many times I was taken to emerg after losing my grip on the chains that held the tire swing to the wooden beam, all of my migraines, so many that they hooked me up to an ECG machine before I was old enough to have my first period and they did it to make certain there wasn’t something else going on, something more serious.

Abba Father, I’m lost and it feels like I don’t have any idea where to turn. It feels like the more I surrender to You the more lost I become.

I’ve only ever truly erased myself once before, God, and I thought I was doing the right thing because it was what the people You charged with my care needed from me.

You put me here to serve. You gave me the humility and grace to put authority first, no matter how crazy the things I was asked to do may have seemed, no matter how little of myself felt safe, and to do what was asked of me regardless of whether I agreed with the action.

Within reason, of course.

Well, it was by Your grace I wasn’t matched to people who wanted to teach me to be a serial killer or a gang leader. By Your grace I was born female. By Your graces I slid under the wire of not-quite-right as protégé.

Here I am, God. Here is me. Hineni. (he-neigh-nay)

Yet, I don’t know, God. I don’t know what You want me to do. I don’t know where You want me to be.

And the more I pray, the more intense this tug of war seems. Whether that’s true or not, it feels true, God, and that’s part of my suffering.

After some of the things I’ve been through, God, things You know all about, the last thing I feel capable of is making a choice to hurt another sentient being.

It’s one thing, as You know, to choose between light and dark. It’s another to choose between two lights. You’ve never asked me to do that before, God. And I have no idea what I’m doing.

I prayed in church this morning, God, and I know You heard me because immediately my heart told me to pray for a specific path. As I prayed, I saw a man smiling at me at a black tie event I would have never imagined myself attending.

Later, talking with friends, the subject of choices came up. One simply said, “Put me where You want me, Lord,” and I nodded and thought, ‘yes, God, put me where You want me’ and I really meant it with all of my heart.

About 30 minutes later at 2pm, I was in the grocery store feeling happy. The kind of happy that fuels people, God. The kind of happy that makes it feel like I’m not really walking on the ground. And You know my anxiety about that, but it’s also different. I can feel a difference.

I want to fall into that happy, God. Especially now that I know it’s where You want me to be. And I know the life You’re leading me to won’t be perfect, I know there will be sadness and anxiety and sometimes even doubts as I fall into another place where it will be easy to erase myself in all the wrong ways.

The truth is, I don’t know what You’re leading me to because I feel like it’s something I’ve never experienced before. Not really. Not like this. I have been craving chicken burgers, so I know I have to pray for help to allow this authentic snugly safe place You have ready for me. And I will.

I guess I also need help, Abba Father, with the collision that comes any time I run into the other good path. It always comes as a shock now, out of nowhere, and it slammed me to the floor this afternoon.

I admit, God, that I have been trying to do this on my own, and I confess that what I’ve tried has not worked. I need Your help, God. I need You to please help all of us with this.

Send Your Holy Spirit to this situation and everyone involved in this situation. Be our comfort and our advocate and our wisdom. Be our clarity, Elohim. Provide all of our needs. Don’t allow any of us to be left out in the cold, God. Bring the highest and best possible divine blessings, healings and protection for each of us, Lord, for this situation.

Abba Father, everything with You is possible. Please take this cup of suffering from us. Yet Your will be done.

I ask You for miracles, divine intervention, divine intercession, full divine support and I ask for all this or something even better than I can imagine right now. In Jesus name I pray.

Thank You for being patient with all of us and for meeting us where we are. Thank You for forgiving us and holding our hands through any suffering You will us to walk through as You know there’s a blessing that will come for us. A blessing that will be the basis for each of us in our newest leg on this journey of service.

Thank You for softening and opening our hearts to Your Love Jesus. For this pure, unfailing unconditional love that will surely pursue us for the rest of our lives.

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently working on another one. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I write fiction and poetry focused on themes of CPTSD, trauma, grief, healing and the light that comes after the darkness. I love Jesus. Jenn McKay

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