you; i

the heart i didn’t get to give

Advertisements

I tried to love you
pulling your muddy jeans from the washing machine and scrubbing the ground-in dirt with my hands guiding an old potato brush

I tried to protect you
calling your daemons by name when they swarmed you and stunning them with my illusion show, my curvy sleight of hand

I tried to hold you

in the bedroom where eyeballs were pinned to the ceiling

in the kitchen where the taps ran cold and the oven ran hot and the smoke detectors went off in the humidity

in the basement
where we both thought there was no reception

I tried to be the kind of girl who didn’t just say, ‘I love you,’ but showed you in a way that went on for months, years, getting fuller and more in living colour with each gesture

I tried to be the kind of girl who could remain dedicated to the protection I created even when we fought, even when we stopped talking, because I didn’t want you to be left fighting your daemons alone after not having that weight around your neck

I wanted to be the kind of girl who kept her promises, even if you couldn’t understand how, even when your inner child, whose hand I held as he walked over the rope bridge for the first time, struggled to trust me knowing I had broken your heart

I wanted to be the kind of girl who would be at your side, supporting you as you learned to use your legs again, even as you shouted ‘whore’ and even as you poisoned my tea

But I turned out to be the girl standing before an audience of school children, tossing knives into the air as I created new poems from nothing, my sweaty hands less and less able to handle the blades

I turned out to be the girl I remember running from at thirteen, long before we met, a girl who had nothing to do with you, a girl who hadn’t been honest with herself in years, a girl too scared to be changed by an outside heart

I turned out to be the girl who overcompensated for her past failures with notes and excuses, a girl who hid behind well integrated defences rather than opening her heart enough

I turned out to be the girl who chose the illusion of safety instead of the girl who could risk everything for love

I turned out to be the girl who says, ‘I just cant’ when you look at me with a sad you’ve never allowed yourself to see in the mirror

I turned out to be the girl who couldn’t make the space I promised I would for that sad, regardless of our flinches and our weeks spent digging trenches, no matter how many all-night fights ended with you jabbing me in the shoulder and walking out, staying away for days

I turned out to be the girl who left you alone, whether you can fully understand how or not, the girl who did put the burdens back on you after weeks of restless sleep, begging for peace from torture techniques in a war neither of us started, a war I felt responsible for before I knew the truth – as I’ve been allowed to know the truth

I wanted to be the kind of girl who would keep these flaws to herself, choosing to risk housing a fear in my heart that threatened to become bitter and rot, a pain that would consume me, rather than reveal the ways I failed in my attempt to love and protect you, rather than risk your heart as the knowledge threatened to collapse gentle beliefs you still held about the world, tucked away in places you dare not explore for fear of losing that hope

I wanted to be the kind of girl who would die with the weight of my suffering tucked snugly in my heart, but I turned out to be a girl who unleashed my burdens whether they would change your life or not

I wanted to be the kind of girl who never asked a man to fight my battles for me, but it turns out I wasn’t stronger than that

I wanted to be the girl who held the hot potato even when it seared my flesh rather than pass it to another in the circle, not to prove my courage, but to keep those I loved from ever having to know the pain

But I turned out to be the girl who erupted all of my ugly ‘too much’ before you were ready to know that, but not before I ran

I wanted to be the girl who would never disappoint you

I wanted to be the girl who didn’t need too much

I wanted to be the girl whose light would never fade

I wanted to be the girl who never gave up

I wanted to be the girl who proved wrong each person who hurt you

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently studying psychology. My odd way of viewing the world either gets me kicked out of parties or invited to them. Jenn McKay

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s