you may punish me

fear release

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TRICK ME AND CONVINCE ME LIES ARE TRUE ALL YOU WANT MAKE ME FEEL SMALL AND UGLY AND ANXIOUS CONTROL ME JAM A SCREWDRIVER IN MY IGNITION AND REV THE ENGINE WITH THE EBRAKE ON ALL FUCKING DAY LONG CONVINCE ME AT BIRTH THAT YOU ARE GOD AND AS I GET OLDER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I WILL BE LIVING ON THE STREETS IF I DONT TREAT YOU LIKE GOD TELL ME JOKES LIKE THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF HOMELESS KIDS – HUSTLERS AND DEAD KIDS AND THEN TELL ME I DONT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO HUSTLE BREAK MY LEGS IN THE CHARNEL GROUNDS AND LEAVE ME FOR DEAD MAKE ME FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PAIN AND THEN TELL ME HOW YOUR PAIN IS DEBILITATING MAKE ME PLIÉ AND SAUTÉ FOR YOUR FRIENDS

SEW YOUR CONFLICTING AND IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATIONS INTO THE HEM OF EVERY JUMPER AND JACKET

TELL ME IM A BURDEN MAKE ME DO CHORES AND HUFF AND PUFF WHEN THE BASEBOARDS ARENT PERFECT LET MY TRY AT FOUR AND FIVE MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IM PURPOSELY MAKING LIFE MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU RAGE ON ME WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING PROVOKE ME IN THE CAR AT THE DINNER TABLE WALKING ONTO THE CN TOWER ELEVATOR LOCK ME IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOU FOR THE AFTERNOON WITH A RAZOR BLADE PRESSED TO YOUR SKIN TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOURE REALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME AS HE TRIES TO OPEN THE LOCKED DOOR AND WHEN HE SAYS HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT TELL HIM YOULL KILL HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER MAKE ME FEEL SAFE ONLY WHEN WE ARE IN PUBLIC BECAUSE YOU CAN MYSTERIOUSLY CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS AND CHOICES WHEN OTHER ADULTS ARE WATCHING BUY ME TAP SHOES AND THEN THROW ME OFF A CRUISE SHIP VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL AND IGNORE ALL OF MY SUFFERING BECAUSE YOURE BLINDED BY ENVY WHEN I ASK YOU TO BUY ME A NEW PAIR OF JEANS IN A SMALLER SIZE TELL MY AUNTS AND COUSINS THAT YOURE WORRIED ABOUT ME SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOU KICK ME OUT OF YOUR HOME BECAUSE WE JUST DONT GET ALONG ANYMORE MAKE SURE TO USE YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF MY INSECURITIES TO MANIPULATE ME AND PROVOKE ME IN FRONT OF FAMILY AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO DISCREDIT ME TELL ME IN THE EIGHTIES THAT YOUD RATHER BE DEAD THAN PICK UP ONE MORE TOY OR LISTEN TO ONE MORE ARGUMENT KICK ME WHEN IM DOWN STEAL MY VOICE LOCK ME OUT OF MY OWN APARTMENT CRASH ME INTO A WALL DRIVE ME OFF A CLIFF INTO THE OCEAN ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY FOR MY WHOLE LIFE JUST BECAUSE ITS FUN FOR YOU

PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD WHILE IM SLEEPING KICK ME OUT OF BED WITH YOUR ARMS AND LEGS RECORD ME SNORING AND PLAY IT AT THANKSGIVING DINNER STORE YOUR ANGER INSIDE MY BELLY SIT BACK AND LAUGH AS YOU WATCH ME GET SO UPSET IN YOUR PLACE WHEN A FRIEND THREATENS TO EXPOSE YOU TAKE EVERYTHING I EVER TOLD YOU IN CONFIDENCE AND TWIST IT AND USE IT TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE IM THE ONE WHO LIKES TO HURT PEOPLE TELL ME NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME POUR WATER ON THE STEPS IN FEBRUARY WATCH ME FALL AND LAUGH SO LOUD THE NEIGHBOURS CAN HEAR MAKE ME BELIEVE IM NOTHING BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU CANT HANDLE ANYONE YOUVE GIVEN CLOUT TO EVEN BEING PERCEIVED AS MAYBE BETTER THAN YOU AT ONE THING EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAIL ME INTO BECOMING YOUR GIRLFRIEND BY TELLING ME AFTER BEING BEST FRIENDS WHO SPENT EVERY DAY TOGETHER FOR A YEAR THAT IF I DONT SAY YES YOU WILL NOT BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE PROVOKE ME WITH AN INSULT YOU KNOW HURTS ME NO MATTER HOW CHILL I AM TO PROVE TO OUR FRIENDS THAT YOU ARE BETTER CHEAT ON ME BUT TELL EVERYONE A FRIEND IS IMMATURE WHEN HE GETS CAUGHT CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND TEACH MY DAUGHTER TO TURN AWAY FROM ME AND TELL ME I AM DISGUSTING WHEN I START SMOKING AGAIN TEACH HER I HAVE NO VALUE AS A HUMAN BECAUSE I HAVE A BIRTHMARK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY FACE TELL ME IM BEING DRAMATIC SAY NOTHING WHEN I ASK YOU TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME WITHHOLD SEX TO PUNISH ME TELL ME TO RELAX COME HOME ‘LATE FROM WORK’ A LOT LIE TO OUR FRIENDS TELL THEM THAT I DID EVERY HORRIBLE THING YOU DID TO ME TEXT ME ON BOXING DAY TO LET ME KNOW I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD CARE IF I WAS DEAD EVEN THOUGH I NEVER TOLD YOU I WAS FEELING SUICIDAL TELL THE POLICE I KILLED SOMEONE KNOWING I DIDNT BECAUSE YOU KNOW MY MOTHER WAS KILLED BY HER FATHER AND YOU KNOW AN INVESTIGATION WILL UNEARTH TERRIFYING MEMORIES AND FEELINGS IVE BEEN “RUNNING FROM” FOR MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS TELL ME IM A CUNT WHEN YOU ASK ME TO MEET FOR DROP OFF FIVE HOURS EARLY IGNORE MY CALLS WHEN YOU JUST DONT SHOW UP ONE SUNDAY BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO PUNISH ME TELL ME YOU WISH I HAD DIED INSTEAD OF YOUR MOM BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOUR 9-5 JOB BREAK INTO MY DREAMS AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME BUT TELL ME IM ACTING CHILDISH WHEN I TRY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHY I CANNOT GET ALONG WITH MY PARENTS TAKE ME TO COURT BECAUSE YOURE INSULTED SOMEONE AS UGLY AND FAT AND WORTHLESS AS ME LEFT TELL PEOPLE I WONT LET YOU SPEND TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER EVEN AFTER YOUR LAWYER FIRES YOU BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT YOU DONT WANT MORE TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER BUT YOU DO WANT AN AGREEMENT THAT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU WILL SPEND MORE THAN THREE DAYS WITH YOUR CHILD IN THE SUMMER OUTSIDE OF TWO WEEKENDS A MONTH REFUSE TO GO TO MARITAL COUNSELLING EVEN THOUGH I BEG YOU SPEND FIVE YEARS IN OUR TWENTIES EVADING A DECISION ABOUT MARRIAGE BECAUSE YOU DONT BELIEVE IN IT BUT THEN YOURE NOT SURE BUT THEN MAYBE YOU DO WANT TO GET MARRIED BUT THEN YOURE NOT SURE AGAIN IF YOU BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE ITS JUST A PIECE OF PAPER WHATS THE DIFFERENCE ALLOW ME TO SUPPORT YOU FOR NINE YEARS AS YOU PURSUE YOUR DREAM BUT EXPECT ME TO WORK THROUGH HEART PROBLEMS AND SEVERE DEPRESSION EVEN WHEN YOU FINALLY GET A STEADY PAYCHEQUE TELL PEOPLE IM A GOLD DIGGER TELL OUR DAUGHTER IM A BAD MOM BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD A CAR SHIFT INTO REVERSE AND TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BRAKE WHEN IM STANDING BEHIND YOUR CAR

I MAY STAY DOWN I MAY HIDE AND MY LEGS MAY CRUMPLE I MAY PULL OFF THE HIGHWAY I MAY SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE TOO AFRAID OF PEOPLE TO BE WILLING TO TRY TO LOVE AND BE LOVED AGAIN

BUT I WILL NOT BREAK AND IM NOT THE ONE YOU HAVE TO FACE WHEN ITS TIME TO ACCOUNT FOR YOUR CHOICES

YOU MAY BEND MY WILL AND THREATEN ME YOU MAY HIDE IN MY LIGHT AND MANIPULATE ME INTO PROTECTING YOU BEFORE I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING YOU MAY SYPHON MY LIGHT AND TELL EVERYONE ITS YOURS AND YOU MAY EVEN CONVINCE ME BUT YOU CAN NEVER BEND GODS WILL AND YOU CAN NEVER THREATEN GOD AND YOU CAN NEVER STEAL FROM GOD AND YOU CAN NEVER TRICK GOD

AND REGARDLESS OF HOW YOUVE USED ME AND TRAINED ME TO BEHAVE, I AM NOT NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN JESUS OR ANY OTHER INTERMEDIARY BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, SO I WILL NOT BE STANDING BESIDE YOU WHEN YOUR JUDGEMENT DAY COMES

Author: tendrilwise

Hi, I have a diploma in Journalism, I've published a novel, and I am currently working on another one. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I write fiction and poetry focused on themes of CPTSD, trauma, grief, healing and the light that comes after the darkness. I love Jesus. Jenn McKay

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