not sure what else to do


For the first few weeks at U of T, I was getting used to being back in the city. Things were different from when I lived there as a kid, and the city on the lake where I was raised was really different than the new Toronto.

I enjoyed anonymity as I got used to the new energy. As odd as this sounds, going from a population of 30,000 to one of 2.7 million made it easier to breathe. Looking back, I can see it was because strangers in Toronto didn’t ask me for anything. Not energetically.

In the city on the lake, most people are wide open to support, and because I was raised to fulfill the needs of people within groups large and small, I was kind of like a well-stocked vending machine without knowing it.

As I walked by each person in the small town, I asked ‘how can I help you’ – energetically – and somehow found a way to give them a bit of what they needed in the moment. Kind of. I don’t really know how to explain it but I think I was hearing messages coming from their guardian angels, but I thought it was just people somehow showing what they needed. I know how limited a being can feel in that role, not having a body, so I would look people in the eye and smile or say hello or let me get that for you or I would get out of the way so they didn’t have to go around me. I think it was more complicated than that but that’s all I kind of know.

In Toronto nobody asked me for anything. I was just getting used to that when I met Aspen Matthew Love. He didn’t look like my type at all. He was attractive in a way that made most arrogant and he was outgoing and decisive and he was genuinely kind. All three in one person, the trifecta, wasn’t my type. Ask me why.

Anyway, after I met Aspen, I started dreaming about buckets. I saw a world where we all carried buckets with rocks in them and we could either relieve a person of some weight or give away weight. I was the girl who made room in her bucket for as many rocks as possible, and when that wasn’t enough, I carried two using a whip across my shoulders.

Aspen wanted me to give him one of my rocks. But I had already looked into his bucket and it was very full. What I didn’t know was that Aspen emptied his bucket when he got home at night. I didn’t do that. I didn’t think a person could do that, and by the time it occurred to me, I wondered if it would even be okay for me because most of the rocks I carried were from other people. I took the rocks with me everywhere I went.

So, I would only agree to give him a rock if he gave me a rock – but not just any rock, one that was heavier than the one I gave him. I admit, not only did I need to be useful, I also had a deeply rooted subconscious fear of becoming permanently indebted to any person to whom I gave more than I took.

And forget about allowing anything to be given to me without me also giving something to that person. Doing that in my past had changed my entire life because I believed that this man was sincere but it turned out he was receiving things in exchange I didn’t know about.

Things get (even more) jumbley and complicated here.

I started having dreams that Barry Bonds was yelling at a tree that had a bucket strapped to a tap. He yelled: WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE LETTING THEM TAKE YOUR SAP? DO SOMETHING! HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. YOU’RE A SUBURBAN TREE NOT A BACKWOODS SUGAR BUSH TREE!

That was complicated because I wanted Barry Bonds to be proud of me and he obviously wasn’t but I thought I could do something to earn it. I didn’t know back then that you can’t earn someone being proud of you if you’re not doing anything to be embarrassed about. You can’t even really ask it of a person.

And suddenly I didn’t have a place to live and I had to go.

I said to myself, Aspen won’t care, he’ll be fine even if he does care because he’s ASPEN FUCKING LOVE. And I guess he didn’t care because he didn’t say, hey, why don’t you stay or something like that. But that’s not exactly fair. I didn’t say, hey I don’t want to go. Instead I said, hey, I have to leave I have no choice and I’m headed in this direction now, sorry. I kind of said that.

Then a lot of really awful shit happened. Like bam bam bam all one right after another. The veil was torn and even though I could have chosen to stay in the flume for the rest of my life, thank you very much, life wasn’t having any of that, oh no.

Losing my naiveté had a similar affect to what I think might happen to a person if the earth literally opened up beneath them and swallowed them whole, and that person somehow survived for almost three years and then climbed out into the populated world again.

I really struggled to trust people. Every people. I had dreams of a feral cat trying to escape the SPCA when an enforcement officer came at her with a cage. She jumped up to the ceiling and tried to hang on but the SPCA wasn’t having any of that, oh no. I was already bruised and weary when I met Aspen. In the years after I left, I was put through the wringer. As in, some days the best gratitude I could come up with was ‘at least I don’t live where it’s legal to physically torture females’. And I’m really good at seeing the bright side. But I did find God, so there’s that really amazing thing that happened. The brightest possible.

Slowly, with a ton of heavy emotional lifting and encouragement to try talking to safe people, I started to find my ground when it came to being able to trust again. God had a lot to do with that. He brought people into my life who knew exactly what I needed after what I’d been through and were in a place where they could help without getting sucked into the black hole that tried to keep me fenced in.

And then I tried to find Aspen again. And I did find Aspen again, It just wasn’t in the way I had expected to find him. But I was older and I was fatter and I was less hopeful and even less confident (if you can imagine that!) than I had been when we first met. I couldn’t tell him why I was different, so I think he assumed I didn’t really love him. And then for some miraculous reason he started to push me a little to get me to lean on him bit by bit.

Now the problem is that I’m starting to get used to this. For so many people that would mean boredom. But for me, it means I want more. But I can’t tell him that because I still have a weird fear that if I did just bust into his place and tell him that, he would turn cold and tell me I’m crazy and then we’d spend less and less time together because he’d be busier and busier, until it became him answering the phone ‘who is this?’ and me getting in line to go down the slide again so I could learn where I needed to improve my thinking and correct my vision after I was brave enough to unfreeze my heart again after another misread of a situation and a person.

I’m stuck in the flume here which means we’re both stuck in the flume and I’ve lost faith that anything that could really kick me back up and in will ever happen. And I can’t risk seeing the way I’ve been tricked. Not this afternoon. Maybe later when I’m a little, I don’t know, less caught up in everything I’m not.

I have had dreams recently of having a golden light radiating from my throat and being able to lighten rocks in others’ buckets without carrying the weight. I’ve seen us picking up brilliant gems from the ground, stones that don’t cost energy to hold, stones that give energy. I even had a dream where I tried to pick up a brilliant gem that was too big for me to carry alone. You came over to pick it up with me. We could only carry it together.

But if there’s even more stepping out of my comfort zone than I already have in the last year before I can get to that place, I don’t think I have it in me. Not after following some dreams has left me more broken than before. Not after some dreams have been written over by really mean people. Not after some of the ways I’ve been tricked. After all that, what I’ve been able to give so far is pretty much all I have to give. It’s kind of more than I had, but I would never say that. Saying that would be heaping a pile of clean laundry into your arms and saying, ‘see everything i’ve done? It might not look like much to you but it’s what i have. And if it’s not enough then there’s no point in trying anymore.’

It’s not that some things are best left unsaid. It’s that saying certain things are too painful. And that pain needs a gentle place to land.

flood my spine with divine light

singing for our lives

I poured my heart out to Jesus last night. For two and a half hours. It felt like I tipped my heart over and poured the liquid out, my aorta the spout. I kept going until nothing covered the silt and the sludge in the very bottom, a bi-product of the miasma that has been handed down through my family for generations.

Something happened yesterday that made me feel like I was not alone in this world. Something that can’t be replicated through false or earnest tries.

And this event had the affect of changing my life. I know it’s only been one day but I just know my life is different now bc I’m different.

This major life-changing event had the affect of showing me that I am real and that there’s another side – the other side isn’t just a myth, a lie I tell myself to find the strength to keep going.

I’m real. I can make it to the other side.

When I got down to the silt with Jesus, I prayed for courage and to have help getting out of my own way so I could release the things that have been weighing me down.

His patient and comforting love was like an ocean wave washing the last of the mud from a shell that had come undone from its home at the bottom of the sea.

I feel quite raw today. I’m in the in-between of being emptied and allowing myself to feel God’s love filling me up.

For an inexplicable reason, part of me wants to mourn the silt. Well, not the silt exactly, but the death of a hope that I held for a long time that the silt would respond to the alchemy of love.

But how can we love remnants of something that refuses love and hold onto hope that one day it will magically transform. Like even though it refused love, maybe just being near love long enough would cause it to absorb some love and that maybe one day all of those little pieces would come together and take over in a sense. The same way that all which is not love waits on my front stoop and at my back door looking for and creating recesses and thinning walls so it can infiltrate my heart bit by bit.

I can’t live like this anymore. I see now that I’ve been trying to fight the darkness the way that darkness has been trying to take over. It doesn’t work.

I confess, Abba Father, that I’ve been trying to fight all the darkness in the world alone. I confess that what I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. I confess that I need Your help. Thy will be done, not mine.

And I know this is the true beginning of my solid foundation. I know this is the only thing I can build a home on.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8 (NLT)

Tosaíonn ár n-leagáide anois

lighting the murk

i was contemplating whether or not to share a breakthru and he said, drop a note in the post. it used to hurt me, this desire for cover, secrecy.

but the night looks different after letting forgiveness pour thru me and from my heart. instead of feeling rejected and unloved, i step out of the past toward a new pattern. if i leave truth in the ether, it’s easier for the darkness to twist it and twist him and twist me and i’m done letting darkness call the shots, even where his own darkness is concerned.

i would have wiped vomit from this man’s mouth, i would have done laundry every day like a maid if that’s what he needed. but it doesn’t matter except as a level that helps me remember i do know how to love so i can look my future husband in the face and tell him with a purified heart in all honesty that i can and will fight for us, for our love until it is 100% dead.

also for my future husband, i favour transparency above all else, so here is my post:

if it was you i gave the green ball to in 2016, brace yourself, bc you know what happened the last time i forgave you. the only way to brace yourself is to surrender and i know you know this in theory so it’s time to put it into practice. if it was you, i know the dream i had of you crouching before me was an apparition and tho i spent years trying to side-step fate on your behalf out of love and greed and fear and guilt, i was wrong for stepping outside God’s will. if it was up to me, well, i know you know the end of that sentence.

i know now at one point you did love me and you did try, and i’m grateful and my forgiveness is for the way that both your try and your leaving left me alone and feeling not only unloved but unworthy of love. i know you did your best. i know you were up against huge obstacles. i truly and fully forgive you, even for things that you think i don’t know about it.

my heart is cleansed of all resentment toward you and things you did or didn’t do that i experienced as pain visited upon me. i am ready to let go for real this time knowing it’s God’s will, knowing i really did everything possible to give us a chance.

i will love you always but i don’t have a room in my heart for you anymore, and i formally rescind – before witnesses – my promise to wait for you forever.

this confidence in letting you go comes with trust that you’ve got this and that your true divine guardian angels have you.

my naive heart wish is that you will find some happiness in knowing that i am loved, in the same way i find comfort and resolve in knowing that you are loved.

this time i’m able to be more grown up in letting you go, no longer believing childish ideas planted in my mind that setting a loved one free means their imminent death, and that i would be as culpable for that death as if i pulled the trigger myself. (This is why, in one of my unpublished manuscripts, August threw her entire life away to save a stranger by giving him what he needed in the moment he was overtaken by suicidal thoughts, even though what he needed was unorthodox and easily misunderstood. ‘She gives the light that’s in her / but she don’t know’)

you need to know that part of the reason i was unwilling to give up was bc of a childish fear that if i did something horrible was sure to happen to you, and it’s true.

but i’ve decided to take a huge leap of faith and let go despite my fears, to fully and completely let go

and i want you to know that i don’t blame you, it wasn’t your fault


for ever and always.