this is my fire

Meet me where I am

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Oh God, I have sung my love for you before 40,000 people
my heart has been faithful to what I believed you wanted me to believe
Yet, because my songs have been misunderstood, I have found myself in trouble
They think my love is a siren call
and they hand me the keys to the ploughs that clear the catacombs of their hearts
I have always done my best to follow true love’s directive
even before I knew what it was
And now I wish to walk tall and grounded in light
Not just any light, the most brilliant light that washes away darkness from even the stickiest, most tangled black hose webs
God, how can I carry all these keys when the ploughs each need an operator

I admit I thought I knew best how to preserve our goodness, when I thought it was up to me
I confess, when I thought the universe was cold and unruly, my way felt like truth
I lay down my arrogance for you, the ways I have hollowed when I believed I knew how to love
yet I know nothing but my need for your help
You know there are only so many places I can be at once
and though my heart is as wide as your skies and as deep as your oceans,
I’m beginning to question my earliest understanding of love
You know what they did to the pathways that I thought could never be communal but for good
You know what carrying each lost soul has done to me

Forgive me, you must forgive me, for I fear without mercy for us all, we will collapse suddenly across the universe
I fear we will become empty and not know how to fill with unfailing love
Be kind to us all, for I fear without your kindness, once I lay down this whip and turn my face to your ocean, we will be washed away like dust
Be patient with me as I learn to trust, after everything, that love is powerful and graceful
Thank you, God, for holding my hand as I let go of each need I have harboured before I believed in true love
Forgive me, I beg you, as I turn out all that I have held back
I need you to help me have faith that your wrath is just, for I fear no-one on your earth has sheltered quite like me

Please take me into the wings of your archangel Azrael as I allow your courage to follow your will, Lord
Hold me as I weep in the in-between of hope that you have me, that you have us all
For I once believed we were here alone
and I once believed to be alone was the gravest burden
Help me regain your grace, Lord, as I stumble over these stones
Make me an instrument of peace as my heart chokes up all she has hidden in fear
Know my pain as deeply as you know those who hate me
Buoy me and search for me as I turn my back on all I turn out
Help me find some sort of joy in the midst of this grief, Lord, so I can stay close to you, for I fear these sorrows will keep me
I fear this grave sadness doesn’t plan to let me go
Save me from being ripped apart as I reach for You, for I fear that which I’ve harboured won’t give up gracefully
Take my worries, God, take my heart, take all of me
Teach my hands to steady as I walk Your love

do you want to collaborate?!

Keats fan fiction project – join the fun!

Do you want to help me write a story? I’m writing lines on separate pieces of paper and leaving them around town.

It’s Keats fan fiction set in modern day with a slight scifi twist – he has a prophetic dream of his death years before he gets sick

That dream shapes his life, it holds him back from expressing his love out loud, believing she deserves more than a dying man

He writes his daily thoughts of love for her in a journal he keeps well hidden, but someone finds it and follows the instructions

But he’s not dead yet, and nobody knows it is his journal bc he’s not even sick – the girl believes it is the journal of one who did die

The more she writes his lines on paper and hides them around town, the more people read his lines, the more his dreams change

Until he’s left with no more words and new dreams that show him living a long, prosperous life.

 
 
The girl who finds his journal is a teen, which adds a layer of idealism to his morbid, hopeless words.

What do you think Jonny would write in his secret journal to one he loves but has decided he could never be with?

And I need help with how this experience affects the teen girl who finds his journal as well as how having the words let loose affects the woman he loves.

Share your Keats fan fiction in the comments or send them to tendrilwise at gmail dot com.

You can also write a blog entry with the poetic lines you think Jonny would write in his secret journal to express his love for a woman he will never be with. Send me a link and I’ll share it on my site. 

I will put together posts with our progress, photos of the notes I hide, and anything you guys want to bring to this project.

Some examples: 

You deserved a better love

I wish I’d found the courage to risk your laughter 

It kills me that you don’t know how beautiful you are

If nothing else, after I die, you will know that you have been loved

bare and true

(They Don’t Want Me To Share This)

You kneel at my feet on my stoop
like I’m a queen no god no goddess
in those robes those ratty, ratty robes and headdress that look shiny from here
Others you have knelt before to big up their false light, that bare bulb:
oh wow I’m a goddess they said
take me to the beach pay for my nails draw me a bath write me a song
and I will prance for you
show me the heels you like and the stance slide me a pic of your fave lingerie
and for you and only you I will prance

yea, that’s where you came from
I couldn’t tell you how I knew
yet, though I played for a few knights, I was never happy in heels
My true saviour told me ‘hold’
so I laced my Pumas
but only part of me left when you told me to get out
the other versions of us weren’t done talking
My angriest self was convinced you were one of them
your most helpless self told you I was just like the others
But you saw me transform
we walked suddenly side by side
while my bare bulb was lit
my true light was blinding
I expected you to recognize it and stonewall it
there wasn’t a conscious part of me
that believed you wouldn’t know
that you of all the men I’ve met wouldn’t know light
right here on earth
the way I did
the only true thing
they saw but pretended it was nothing
pretended it was nothing
So that when we finally collided
all I had to give was my nothing
and all you knew wasn’t true

Here we are
still
you over there me across space
listening, always, like I said I would
waiting for that tone
your song I can’t resist
and coming to your side when you call
seemed like what all the others did
you couldn’t tell the difference
and I forgive you
because up here, where I really live, I’ve seen it all
Men who use their light like a billboard
Men who funnel our light while we sleep
Men who demand silence
and those that reflect my truth in a way that looks like theirs
It really felt like their truth
But while I was holding their hand they were sneering at their true self
this didn’t alarm me
this is how I grew, tending the dead
And I wouldn’t leave that couch because you didn’t want me to
not because I was waiting for you to finally pass out so I could empty your pockets and leave

A lifetime of leaving
how could I explain
that I was trying to escape hell
when I saw them all
surround you
put their guns to your head
Part of me believes it’s not possible to ever fully stop dancing on that porch beneath the wood lined awning
part of me has known nothing else
I see now how they used your projection to keep me there
that you in the rain holding onto a bicycle
waiting just beyond the stop sign
lit with pulsing red street light and shiny evening darkness
if only I could find my way out
where I could be good enough