False Love

help me truly be okay with loneliness

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Dear God Dear Jesus,

I confess I’ve been holding a grudge against my sister. I confess I’ve been trying to deal with this on my own. I confess what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. I confess I need Your help.

O Sovereign God, the one who sent me, I surrender to Your will. Search my heart for unforgiveness. Please soften and open my heart, God. Please purify my heart. Help me see the situation through your eyes. Help me find compassion for myself and my sister.

I confess to You Abba Father, that while being raised in a secular home, I learned to do things with my spiritual gifts that went against Your will.

Growing up in a family of intuitive people, we got tangled together in emotions and thoughts and beliefs and spirit too maybe. I confess I thought it was normal for people who loved each other to share thoughts. And because of my big heart, God, I have loved a lot of people. I thought communicating through thoughts was what everyone did, so I think I ‘spoke’ directly to people’s spirit (aka higher self in New Age terms) without going through You God. I see now that is really not okay and I’m so sorry.

As a child, I felt discarded by each person I believed to be a witness of things I experienced, because I would call out for help in my mind but get no response. And there was the experience of feeling like I had been heard by someone, only to feel betrayed a day or week or even years later when I realized promises made about helping me weren’t going to be kept. I never imagined that the people I was ‘talking’ to couldn’t hear me because we were never really connecting.

Loneliness has been my greatest weakness, God, and the enemy has exploited that by bringing false love to me and by convincing me I’m not good enough for true love and that false love will at least keep me from being lonely. Satan lied. But I believed it.

I humbly come to You asking for forgiveness for everything I’ve done that has caused pain and suffering to myself and others while pursuing my desire for false love. I ask you, God who sent me here, to nail this flesh, this worldly desire, to the cross. I’m sorry I disappointed you. Please give me Your strength to put this sin to death, because I can only be successful with the power of Holy Spirit in me.

Please forgive me, God, for using my spiritual gifts in ways that did not please You. Bring me a supernatural understanding of how I have misused my spiritual gifts and a very clear supernatural understanding of Your will for my next steps to align myself fully with Your will.

Please help me love, honour and worship you, God Who brought me here, both in spirit and in truth. I’m sorry for any way I have done wrong because I haven’t worshiped You in spirit and in truth.

Show me how to do better.

God, I confess I’m kind of scared to ask for clarity in all things I‘m holding against my sister. I confess, I have felt like a failure as a big sister, though we’re both adults now, and we were only 20 moths apart. I confess this feeling has created a huge blind spot for me.

Mom always called us Irish twins. And I spent my childhood wishing I had a twin. My sister and I didn’t get along that well as kids. Even as teens.

But when one of my best friends started dating my sister, things changed. We were a group of friends that spent the whole weekend together, and as many weeknights together as possible. When my sister and my friend got serious, they both spent more time with us. We didn’t start getting along 100% right away… I remember we got into a huge fight before my novel was published. We stopped talking. I was so angry with her, I wondered if I should leave her off the thanks page. I considered it because I was that mad and childish. But in the end, I decided it was really awful to leave her name out. The fight was temporary and the thank you page was permanent. And then the fight got worse. And worse. Until I believed that I would never talk to her again.

God, I’m sorry I left my sister’s name off the thank you page of my novel. I confess I did this out of spite because I felt really hurt. If I was not being childish, the page would have included the name Kate, or Katie, because that’s my sister’s name. Please forgive me for my pettiness. I truly wish now that I could go back in time and change my mind. But I also trust that everything happens for a reason. And that God has a plan to use everything for good, eventually.

After my friend and my sister started living together, we spent more time together. And then, before they got married, my ex-common-law partner and I bought a house down the street from them. We became inseparable as a foursome.

We still had our fights, though. Some really big ones. I ended up not going to her destination wedding. And when I told her that my common-law marriage of 17 years was ending, her response was, “Well you need to know that I’m not going to stop inviting him to my house. He and my husband are best friends. He’s my kid’s uncle.”

I told her that I didn’t even think of asking her that. I said I wasn’t asking her to take sides.

And I was shocked. Because I had literally just told her that I had to leave my ex. That was her whole response.

For a really long time, God, I confess that I held a grudge about that. I couldn’t understand how she could have been so cold. I was hoping for a hug or some other support.

And she didn’t come around or call to support me or my daughter. Even when she knew that our entire group of friends had stopped talking to me because it got really bad between me and my ex before I left, and nobody wanted to get involved. Bros before hoes.

I was really angry at her for that. I called her one night during the first summer of being a single mom and I yelled at her for not supporting me.

We didn’t speak for about a year. And then we had lunch to catch up. She was warm and caring and supportive and loving. She had just had a baby, so I automatically attributed this tenderness to that. I trusted her. I confided in her that I was in love. I confided in her that I believed in miracles. I made a comment about the possibility that love would fall right out of the sky one day.

And then, a few years later, we had made up but still didn’t hang out, there came a day I had to stop talking to my parents. I was concerned about not telling her why because I worried about her safety. When I told her that I had stopped speaking with our parents because our dad had been violent with me when I was young, she said, “Good luck with that.” We haven’t spoken since.

Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup of suffering from us. Yet we want Your will to be done, not ours.

Please shine Your pure and brilliant light through everything and everyone involving this relationship. Please illuminate patterns that need to be healed. Please gift me a clear supernatural understanding of the blessings and lessons so I can take the steps You clearly guide me to take in order to heal these long-standing patterns.

Please cleanse my heart of anything that is not You. Please help us all experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully, so we can be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Have mercy on us God who brought us here, for we know not what we do.

Help me be willing to forgive and to no longer withhold forgiveness from my sister. Please help me feel gratitude for all I’ve learned. Let the truth prevail.

God, I pray for the salvation of my sister Katie’s soul. I pray for the salvation of my soul. Abba Father, I pray that You bring divine blessings healing and protection to everyone and everything involving this situation – especially the children – and i ask that You let nothing interfere with divine will.

I ask for miracles divine intervention divine intercession full divine support so that the will of the one true God is done.

Please bring peace to our hearts and our minds and our strength and our souls, God. Thank You for sending Holy Spirit to everyone and everything involving this situation, including patterns that need to be healed, to glorify You. So that truth and love prevail.

I love You God

Your daughter,

Jenn McKay

twin flames

lessons and blessings

Dear God Dear Jesus,

I’m weary. You know I don’t complain very much. You know I do everything I can think of in the moment to stay away from the enemy, even when he comes to me thru people I’m connected with. You know the way I’m connected with these people and which are committed to hating You. You know I’ve done everything You’ve asked me to disengage and disconnect from these people, but they are relentless. The connections are relentless.

When I pray with the authority given by Jesus the Nazarene for the enemy to leave some while they are connected to me, the enemy does not leave.

I know this prayer is effective because just a few weeks ago, when I felt someone connected to me make choices influenced by the enemy that would have harmed me, I prayed this prayer and satan did flee, just as You promise in Your word.

Please bring me a supernatural understanding of why this prayer does not work with some people I feel bound to, despite the choices I have made to leave them, to no longer speak with them, to ignore their voice mails and to shake the dust from my shoes before witnesses as I left their house.

God, I think these people are pretending to be asleep. I once thought they kept falling back to sleep after being woken. I once thought waking then sleeping then waking then sleeping was normal. Before I believed the devil was more than just a boogeyman in stories to scare children, and that he couldn’t affect adults, I reasoned that the adults I knew were unconscious, unaware of whatever they were doing to put themselves to sleep.

Now I see I have a serious problem that I can’t handle on my own.

Here’s the problem: it came to me in a dream last night that I have three twin flame connections. God, three? I know there’s a purpose, so please help me understand this, please help me see it the way You see it.

Abba Father, I need Your help. I’ve tried to do this alone and what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. There’s a deep rooted fear that if I completely let go, something bad will happen. I think I was told this from my earliest youth. I have faith now that everything is in Your hands and that Your will is for us to not be connected in this way.

One of my twin flames is family. He sees me as a possession. He has branded me and hidden me away and laid traps in my mind to make me not worth it for another man to love me.

One of my twin flames is an ex who I’m still connected to through shared responsibility. He was allowed under the wire because the first twin flame underestimated his ability to think for himself. This man also sees me as a possession and he has also done horrible things to isolate me and impact my life in other ways.

And I think, if I understand correctly, that the third is a man I spent eight months getting to know, but we spent more time dreaming about each other than talking. There was another man I had been dreaming of before I met this man. And when both were out of town, I had a dream that if I took our dreaming to the next level, the first man would swoop into my life. Because I was in love with that man, I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t make him part of my life if he asked, even if I had made this man part of my life. I was angry, God, when I saw that in my dream. I refused to break this man’s heart. And it didn’t matter because this man got hurt anyway. He put more passion into building his empire just to show me that I had made the wrong choice. To spite me.

But because of our twin flame connection, we have been impacting each other’s lives in ways we can’t see. I don’t even think this man would have a coffee with me now if I asked but we’re still connected and I don’t know what to do about it.

So far, twin flames haven’t been a good experience for me.

Being around the first two, even in passing thought, even when they think of me and I push them away, is toxic. I’ve prayed fervently for the enemy to be cast out and for You to intervene, but they aren’t sleeping. They have chosen with their free will to surrender to the enemy.

For a while, I thought my twin flame was the first man I was dreaming of, and looking back, I think I was afraid to completely let go of the connection with the others because somehow I saw the connection as the same, I just didn’t know how.

God, I surrender everything and everyone involving twin flame connection up to you for healing, closure and release. Please bless, protect and heal each of us and these connections as You will God.

Help us get clear about the truth. Help us to know the future consequences of the actions we choose today. Bring each of us a very clear supernatural understanding of Your will for each of us as it relates to our connection and a very clear supernatural understanding of Your will for our next steps. Hold our hands and support us very thoroughly as we follow these steps.

Lift the darkness from us, Eloheim. Unbind us from each other and from the consequences of the choices made by each other in these connections. Bring us a very clear supernatural understanding of what freedom truly is for each of us in this situation.

Do this please, not only for the children and other vulnerable people involved, but for Your glory.

Intervene so that You can use me to bring glory to You, to the powerful, graceful, healing love You bring those of us who choose You and eternal life.

You already showed me a small piece of what the twin flames who don’t choose You will experience by showing me there is zero free will in hell. I know I don’t want to go there, but I don’t speak for the others because they are not part of my house.

I lay everything and everyone involving this situation at Your feet, Abba Father. With you, everything is possible. Take this cup of suffering from us, yet we want Your will to be done. And bring us a very clear supernatural understanding of the cup You will us to drink and how to drink it, if You will us to drink a cup.

Thank You for never leaving me once in any way throughout this whole situation. Thank You for helping me learn to trust You. Thank You for giving me everything I need to fulfill my purpose.

Thank You for purifying my heart so that I can go in peace, without toxic energy in my heart.

Inshallah.

Thy kingdom come Thy will be done.

I love You God

this hurts

help me be grateful for this pain

Oh beloved God, Heavenly Father, all who is, who ever was and who ever will be,

I come to You on my knees with a contrite heart. Please wrap me in Your beautiful loving wings and carry everyone and everything involving this situation.

Abba Father, please give me the courage and strength to confess my sins and my fears so that I am fully surrendered to Your will and focused on serving You, even though I’m terrified of the consequences.

God, I confess that I’ve been harbouring resentment in my heart towards the father of my daughter. I’m sorry that I’ve been willing to judge him because I’ve felt a subconscious need to push up against his judgement of me to stop from being caved in and being shoved into a pit.

I confess that I believe he could be there for his daughter more, and that this belief has fuelled my arrogance in feeling it’s my right and my job to hold him accountable for his choices by keeping score of the time he spends with her. I am so sorry for the way my choice to hold onto blame and resentment has affected our daughter, God. I have been childish. Please help me do better.

I wish that was it, God, but you know there’s more.

I confess that for a long time, I held onto a hope that turned into a belief that a man I loved would choose me to be his wife.

And for reasons I couldn’t understand at the time, I felt resentment toward him for not choosing me, for not choosing us, and for everything that my daughter was missing out on by him choosing another life.

I had dreams of this man being my daughter’s father – not a replacement but a father who was in her daily life – and I thought those dreams were my growing wishes taking root in my mind and lacing through the way I pictured my future.

I had no idea there was more to it but now I think there is, God, and I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling lost and anxious. I’m feeling unsure that Your love will not leave me. I fear not having Your love, Abba Father, and I need Your help to be courageous. I ask You to carry me, Christ. I ask that You carry us all as we untangle this situation and face the consequences with faith that each promise is meant for us too. Please help us believe that no matter where we wander, You are always with us and that You are in charge and Your will is always being done.

God, this sounds crazy, but when I asked You for a supernatural understanding of my connection with this man I loved, I saw things that I haven’t been able to fully process. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I think I’m in shock.

I knew this man before I was a mother. I thought we were just friends. I didn’t look at him any other way because, though I wasn’t officially married, I was fully committed to the common-law relationship I had with my daughter’s father.

I confess, God, that I felt lonely in this relationship, but I thought that was just the way relationships were. I confess, God, that I did things to soothe that loneliness, though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. Things that do not please You.

When we were ready to start having children, my partner noticed that I had a different attitude toward sex. I suddenly became more relaxed and even more excited about having sex.

He questioned me about it, and all I could understand at the time was that I was more relaxed because I didn’t have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy anymore. Plus, I believed, the only purpose of having sex that had zero shame attached to it was making a baby.

Now, though, I think – as crazy as this sounds – that I was somehow connecting in spirit to this other man, the one I fell in love with after leaving my daughter’s father.

God, I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand how people connect in spirit form. I have no idea how this affects our lives or why learning about it is part of my purpose (I think). I confess I’ve been trying to untangle this on my own. I confess what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. I confess I need Your help.

Part of me wants to believe that if I was somehow connected to another man when I conceived my child, that he shares the love that created her, and that this means he is also partly responsible for caring for me and my daughter. But I think it’s mostly because I feel disappointed about the way my daughter’s father didn’t take care of us.

I think the truth is more that even if he was with me in Spirit, he is not responsible for caring for me or my daughter.

But in a way, these subconscious beliefs and knowing without knowing led me to feel connected to this man I have known since before my daughter was born, and some negative feelings I had about being a single mom were transferred to this man I loved.

I’m so sorry for the way my beliefs have affected this man’s life, God. Please take care of all of us. Please help me discern between my beliefs and the truth.

Because I’m not sure that I know the truth in this situation, God, but if it’s in Your will, let the truth prevail and help us have a supernatural understanding of what You will us to do with this knowledge.

Please give us a supernatural understanding of each of our responsibilities and how to fulfill these according to Your will with miracles divine intervention divine intercession and full divine support.

Thank You for always loving us. Thank You for always protecting us. Thank You for being our Father.

Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering from us, yet we want Your will to be done, not ours.

Thy kingdom come Thy will be done.