Dear God dear Jesus,
I have a tiny problem and I know I have to bring it to your attention and ask for help before I can know where to start.
So, unless I’ve completely misread every sign dream opening door closed door from You, my purpose is to love.
I’m pretty confident, tho, that I have not misread this. Love is a pretty common purpose, even if it’s to be used by You to show how something is not love and even if that person doesn’t ever choose love, others will because of the example You helped us understand.
So, love. I got it. I’m for it. I am willingly dedicating my entire life my whole self my relationships to serve the purpose of love. To love. To be loved.
That’s the tiny problem, tho.
Love isn’t a feeling in my heart. If feeling love was my purpose I could do it all by myself and never talk to anyone.
And bam, check feeling love off my life purpose list and that would be that. Done.
Love is an action. I need to and want to be courageous and dedicated enough to love people in my life through the mistakes I make and the bad days when it feels like an elephant has parked on my head and the fear that I will never get through another broken heart – not the way You have allowed my heart to be shattered.
And I do try my best to love my daughter and my friends and my neighbours and other people You put in my life. Even though I’m not perfect and I never will be.
So, bam. Check loving off my life purpose list and that’s that. Because I’m committed to doing that the rest of my life, I can confidently say that even tho it won’t be perfect, it will be done. That will be that.
These are things I can do. Regardless of what others do, no matter what, I can feel love and I can love.
What I can’t do no matter what is be loved. Because being loved depends on other people. All I can do is take risks if there is divinely sanctioned love coming at me, work on being willing to open my heart and allow love in. I can accept love. If it’s there. Now. Most of the time. With Your help.
But what if it’s not there?
You were with me in that movie theatre in 2010 when I wept during Love & Other Drugs. That was the beginning of the end of my common-law marriage. Because You know if I hadn’t watched that movie, I would have stayed in something wrong for the rest of my life.
I am Maggie. The character, not the actress who played her. Except I don’t have Parkinson’s. I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and I will have it for the rest of my fucking life.
I’m not easy to love. Not because I don’t try. Not because I don’t love. Not because I don’t want to be loved. I’m not easy to love because in my childhood, as my brain was developing, I experienced horrific things that people told me were love. I’m not easy to love because I am afraid to let new people into my life.
And I’ve tried. You know I have. But when I opened my heart, it was used like a baseball to hit a home run. I was treated like shit like other relationships I’ve had in my life, just in different ways. You heard me say never again and You knew I meant it.
But You were out to change my heart. So You sent me a person last year and You helped him work with my illness while allowing me dignity. You gave me a chance to love and feel loved. You gave me some really joyful memories of what love could look like. You gave me safety within an intimate relationship and I was able to be vulnerable. Even after everything. I worked really fucking hard to allow him to see me when I was needy.
It almost feels like as soon as that happened, the relationship was complete.
And You know how long it took me before i was able to feel safe trusting my own discernment in knowing who is trustworthy and who is not. You know what hell I experienced living in that loop of fear – wanting to trust but being terrified of my own ability to discern and having that fear push trustworthy people away because they took offence to my fear. You know my level of sensitivity, the fact that I can feel the true feelings of people I’m connected with even from five thousand miles and ten thousand miles away, the fact that the truth comes through to me no matter how good some people are at hiding, or even their intentions in hiding. You know I don’t miss anything anymore. Even when I want to. Even when I’m trying to miss things.
I went through all of that, God, not because I thought I could or because I truly believed I deserved it, but because You asked me to.
And what You sent me, God, was someone who loved me but was not in love with me.
So, is that it then? Can I check off being loved? He really did mean well. His heart was in it, the way you throw your heart into a project for a really good cause you believe in.
And I don’t want to be angry anymore that he wasted my time. Because I could have been doing something to find real love. I don’t want to blame him for me not being able to fulfil my life purpose of truly being loved. Because that’s just my inner child tugging on my inner teen’s leg asking with her big eyes to do something to keep her safe when all she wants is to be loved and make You happy.
The truth is, he didn’t do anything wrong. He was doing what he thought was right. The honourable thing.
And I’m grateful for the loving time we shared together. Thank You for bringing this love. I know what it is to be held in the mind of a loving man who was dedicated to me and who didn’t let anything interfere with his commitment. I know he fully believed it was what I needed. I know he believed it was enough.
Now I want to find true romantic love. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea to go out there after being hurt. Again.
If true romantic love is not Your will for me, please bring me a clear sign in the physical world and help me connect fully with Holy Spirit so I can clearly understand the sign.
And if that’s my fate for whatever reason, whether I understand it or not, You know I’ll do it. But that’s the problem with surrendering my will. Even if it’s something I want with all of my heart and mind, even if it makes sense to me and my life purpose to want that, if You say no then I’ll ask You for help dealing with my disappointment and grief and I’ll move on.
If it’s not Your will for me to be fully romantically loved by one who loves me and one I love, let me know. So I can stop wasting time getting wrapped up in any fantasy about a life I’ll never have. I can get a cat. And put more energy into whatever my real life purpose is, instead of waiting for me to experience it so I can share this love with others.
I can shut the door and move forward in writing about what it’s like to not have love or be loved or how it hurts when something masquerading as love comes into my life.
That’s as good as feeling loved and sharing that with a bunch of people through my art, right? It might not be my idea of happy, but it’s just as worthy and needed to write about what love isn’t as it would be to write about what love is, how it feels.
And no, I’m not going to spend my writing trying to imagine what it would be like to feel loved for real. That’s just a little to close to real life for me.
But, as always, I surrender to Your will Abba Father, all who is, all who ever was and all who will ever be. Please take this cup of suffering from me, but I want Thy will to be done, not mine.
Help me drink the suffering of not finding true romantic love if that’s Your will. It hurts. Mostly because despite everything, I always believed I would be loved some day. And this belief, though it has brought pain, has shaped my idea of what my life purpose is. It hurts to let go of all that.