you got this

i know you do

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Hey you, hanging in the corner, sneaking down the stairs, I see you and now you know I see you but you’re still running those lines.

We should talk…

You know I love you –

Hey come back here.

I know you know what I’m going to say and now you know that I know you know, but you’re still running up these stairs.

Don’t pay no mind to the man standing next to me with that sneer on his face. He means no harm. His face just rests like that.

Technically he shouldn’t be here bc this, this thing between you and me, has nothing to do with him but there he is believing he’s protecting me.

Now you know I know there’s a man beside me, one who won’t leave my side no matter where I go no matter what I do.

I could tell you all the things he’s done since he arrived that saved my ass. I could tell you all the things I needed to be saved from. But you of all people know what bombs I’m trying to miss in this field.

You of all people know why he’s there. And now you know that I know.

If I take his hand in mine to slow his erratic pulse, will you stay just for a minute? Just long enough to look into his eyes.

You’re both here for a reason.

He won’t speak to you, but I know you know that looking into his eyes will unlock all you need from meeting him.

We could talk about what you will see when he’s not around, but, well, you know. So, take your time.

I know this feels like your place. You’ve had the key for years and even when I changed the locks, I made sure you had a copy, didn’t I?

Thank you. No, hey, don’t panic. I know you of all people, you who’ve been in this place to hear all of my goodbyes, know what it sounds like.

And you’re not ready. I know. And I gave all the others all the time they needed. I know. And I know you want me to tell you that you don’t need what I’ve given to the others because you’re different. And you are different. You’re unlike any of the others.

But you hate it when I lie to you so I never have. You do need some of what I’ve given the others. Not in the same way. Not the same measure. You need to allow yourself to receive what’s in my heart for you. This is for you and only you.

I could tell you that you’ll feel better after, that it will change your life in a good way, but you won’t hear that.

The promises I made you were bigger. You’ve heard them for more years. You of all people who have known me know that the promises I’ve made are possible. You know I could keep my promises and now you know I know you know.

I have something to tell you –

Oh come on, please just stay to hear me out. You’re not going far anyway. If I yell you’ll hear me no matter where you go.

What if I told you that I need my key back bc you just being here gives me totally away? That I can’t keep anything to myself until it’s the right time?

I want to do things differently.

Yes, with that guy.

No, don’t try to stop him from talking. You know he’s going to have feelings and opinions no matter what and you know they will come through anyway. Let him have his say. Don’t take it personally. He’s hurting.

Sorry, fuck, I wasn’t trying to… Please stay. Please keep talking.

Listen, I really wanted to read a fucking book right now but here I am, so can we please all take a deep breath.

Yes, I am going to kneel. You don’t own me. Please let us have a moment. We need a moment.

He will not say something that will change my mind. If he wanted to do that, he’d wait until you were working.

It’s okay, you didn’t cause anything. We’ll be okay. He’s a good guy. Just like you.

Do you see this box I just pulled from my heart and put on the floor between us? That’s for you. Pour it all into the box.

Hey, I know you don’t trust me. I know you think they fucked me up so wholly that I’ll never be able to make a decision on my own. I know you’ve watched them interfere. I know you believe you know better than I do.

But you can’t see the now me when you’re like this. You know how careless I’ve been. You’ve watched me make countless mistakes.

I’m stronger now. I’m more clear now.

I know. I know you’ll never believe me enough to trust me to lead you in the right direction.

But do you see that’s how they fucked with you?

Can you take these words into your heart, knowing my intentions are pure and always have been, even though I’ve made mistakes.

Now, after everything, I’m the only one who can lead you out of this place. Now, after everything, the only way either of us see the sun again unfettered by any roof is for you to take a leap of faith.

Stay here as long as you need to. All I ask is that you carry this empty box with you. And call me when you’ve filled it.

Of course I’ll be here if you need me.

Where else would I be? Would I leave you all alone?

Things are going to change, and I might not be able to keep those promises I made years ago, but I can promise something better now.

You have to take that leap to find out. This might hurt for a minute, but everything that comes after will be so much more than that pain.

Take your time. You don’t have to decide now.

I can’t answer all of your questions. I don’t know all of the answers.

You know I love you. That hasn’t changed. Not for twenty eight years.

this is my fire

Meet me where I am

Oh God, I have sung my love for you before 40,000 people
my heart has been faithful to what I believed you wanted me to believe
Yet, because my songs have been misunderstood, I have found myself in trouble
They think my love is a siren call
and they hand me the keys to the ploughs that clear the catacombs of their hearts
I have always done my best to follow true love’s directive
even before I knew what it was
And now I wish to walk tall and grounded in light
Not just any light, the most brilliant light that washes away darkness from even the stickiest, most tangled black hose webs
God, how can I carry all these keys when the ploughs each need an operator

I admit I thought I knew best how to preserve our goodness, when I thought it was up to me
I confess, when I thought the universe was cold and unruly, my way felt like truth
I lay down my arrogance for you, the ways I have hollowed when I believed I knew how to love
yet I know nothing but my need for your help
You know there are only so many places I can be at once
and though my heart is as wide as your skies and as deep as your oceans,
I’m beginning to question my earliest understanding of love
You know what they did to the pathways that I thought could never be communal but for good
You know what carrying each lost soul has done to me

Forgive me, you must forgive me, for I fear without mercy for us all, we will collapse suddenly across the universe
I fear we will become empty and not know how to fill with unfailing love
Be kind to us all, for I fear without your kindness, once I lay down this whip and turn my face to your ocean, we will be washed away like dust
Be patient with me as I learn to trust, after everything, that love is powerful and graceful
Thank you, God, for holding my hand as I let go of each need I have harboured before I believed in true love
Forgive me, I beg you, as I turn out all that I have held back
I need you to help me have faith that your wrath is just, for I fear no-one on your earth has sheltered quite like me

Please take me into the wings of your archangel Azrael as I allow your courage to follow your will, Lord
Hold me as I weep in the in-between of hope that you have me, that you have us all
For I once believed we were here alone
and I once believed to be alone was the gravest burden
Help me regain your grace, Lord, as I stumble over these stones
Make me an instrument of peace as my heart chokes up all she has hidden in fear
Know my pain as deeply as you know those who hate me
Buoy me and search for me as I turn my back on all I turn out
Help me find some sort of joy in the midst of this grief, Lord, so I can stay close to you, for I fear these sorrows will keep me
I fear this grave sadness doesn’t plan to let me go
Save me from being ripped apart as I reach for You, for I fear that which I’ve harboured won’t give up gracefully
Take my worries, God, take my heart, take all of me
Teach my hands to steady as I walk Your love

bare and true

(They Don’t Want Me To Share This)

You kneel at my feet on my stoop
like I’m a queen no god no goddess
in those robes those ratty, ratty robes and headdress that look shiny from here
Others you have knelt before to big up their false light, that bare bulb:
oh wow I’m a goddess they said
take me to the beach pay for my nails draw me a bath write me a song
and I will prance for you
show me the heels you like and the stance slide me a pic of your fave lingerie
and for you and only you I will prance

yea, that’s where you came from
I couldn’t tell you how I knew
yet, though I played for a few knights, I was never happy in heels
My true saviour told me ‘hold’
so I laced my Pumas
but only part of me left when you told me to get out
the other versions of us weren’t done talking
My angriest self was convinced you were one of them
your most helpless self told you I was just like the others
But you saw me transform
we walked suddenly side by side
while my bare bulb was lit
my true light was blinding
I expected you to recognize it and stonewall it
there wasn’t a conscious part of me
that believed you wouldn’t know
that you of all the men I’ve met wouldn’t know light
right here on earth
the way I did
the only true thing
they saw but pretended it was nothing
pretended it was nothing
So that when we finally collided
all I had to give was my nothing
and all you knew wasn’t true

Here we are
still
you over there me across space
listening, always, like I said I would
waiting for that tone
your song I can’t resist
and coming to your side when you call
seemed like what all the others did
you couldn’t tell the difference
and I forgive you
because up here, where I really live, I’ve seen it all
Men who use their light like a billboard
Men who funnel our light while we sleep
Men who demand silence
and those that reflect my truth in a way that looks like theirs
It really felt like their truth
But while I was holding their hand they were sneering at their true self
this didn’t alarm me
this is how I grew, tending the dead
And I wouldn’t leave that couch because you didn’t want me to
not because I was waiting for you to finally pass out so I could empty your pockets and leave

A lifetime of leaving
how could I explain
that I was trying to escape hell
when I saw them all
surround you
put their guns to your head
Part of me believes it’s not possible to ever fully stop dancing on that porch beneath the wood lined awning
part of me has known nothing else
I see now how they used your projection to keep me there
that you in the rain holding onto a bicycle
waiting just beyond the stop sign
lit with pulsing red street light and shiny evening darkness
if only I could find my way out
where I could be good enough