alive in an eara where platitudes won’t comfort

channel 790


I’m just a girl. Right? Aren’t we all just girls and boys?

Here we are standing at the edge of a whole new world, together.

And although we fight and remain stuck in our identities as caretakers and protectors and lovers and parents, if we look just above, we will see all of us holding hands, bravely facing one of the most beautiful beginnings together.

Because we’re all just girls and boys here in these bodies, with parents and friends and frenemies and beloved ones and lovers, spinning us in circles, tying us in knots over what is no longer real, but has affected us just the same.

Here we are in our bodies wrapped like mummies in the coal mine dark miasma of our pain and our ancestors.

Here we are sunk by our own thoughts, the ones that tell us we’re not good enough.

Here we are shoulder to shoulder craving a better view, completely lost to the solid comfort of life together, trying to erase the fears that leaked down into our hearts when we were looking somewhere else, not quite able to believe yet that when we do look up, that is us.

All of us. You, me, that guy over there who is certain he doesn’t get nature, the woman who keeps missing the bus.

Here we are together just up there.

While down here we’re caught on heavy strings, because even though they are just as invisible, we feel the weight more easily than we feel the light, the buoyancy of our higher connections.

Here is me in my body walking just far enough to sing a clear note. Here is me in my body stopping every few steps to write another lyric. Here is me in my body flowing with the power of love even as the crows caw mercilessly.

Here is me wondering why I ever believed a merciless person would arrive one day with grace.

And there we are, just above, graceful as we’ll ever be. Patiently waiting for each of us to look up and believe what we see, gently encouraging and supporting us along the way.

Never knowing true peace in life, it feels impossible to believe its real, never mind possible.

Never knowing true buoyancy in our bodies, we seek what feels real rather than what could be beyond these hurts.

Not trusting yet that it takes one truly loving moment, beyond what human love can bring, to open us up to that curiosity like floss between our teeth, that instinct that knowing and craving that never leaves us.

Even when we have spent years wandering without that desire up front in our minds and hearts.

What is lost will be found and what is promised will be delivered.

If we ever feel alone or in need, walk with us, loves. Take a moment to breathe inspiration into the deepest fingers of our lungs. Let’s make ourselves proud.

The Time Traveller’s Future Husband

lost years

I haven’t slept that well in weeks, no, months. Years maybe.

Do you remember the first time I said I love you when I wasn’t sleeping? We were in bed snuggling. I was afraid I wouldn’t get another chance to tell you.

After I left my old neighbourhood, I was overconfident. Like, I can’t explain it. My mind was a little idk lost in a fantasy.

I was so sure that I had found my soulmate and that nothing could get in the way of us being together.

I actually told my sister that love would just fall out of the sky. And the joke at the time was that I really thought it was true. That I believed in magic and I was going to be able to bring magic to everyone I love.

When I’m in love, I’m a little wild.

So, for three summers, I spent each spare moment at the beach. Why? Fucked if I know. Not on a conscious level.

But somewhere deep inside I knew that I would find love at the beach. Even though I had a feeling that my true love wasn’t from here.

The biggest problem I could imagine was figuring out what beach. There are three public beaches in town that I can get to on public transit.

I would meditate on a rock with the word love etched into it by the water I could walk to, lay on the dock at the beach where people weigh their catch once a year, and feed the geese near a beach which isn’t really a beach by the dump.

I tried everywhere I could get to. And you never came for me. You didn’t come to find me. We didn’t run into each other and pretend it wasn’t something we’d both dreamed of and known was going to happen.

When I saw that moment, I saw it happening in my new neighbourhood. The physical place I now call home.

In the mean time, I kept taking weekend trips to my old neighbourhood. But I was afraid to go back to certain places. In case I would run into someone and see that my prayers for him had come true. And I would know for sure that any pull back there was an exercise in karma resolution. In the way I’ve experienced it in the past. But also, I worried that he would be mean to me in a way that he never had been.

By the third summer, I was a little depressed. The only thing that got me out of the house some days was the belief that I would find love at the beach.

I thought my future husband was going to meet me here. At the beach.

See, when I left, I thought my future husband knew where I lived. Because I couldn’t see who my future husband was and I didn’t give him my forwarding address.

Fast forward to this year.

My friend Mel is one of the most openhearted, loving, giving, honest people I’ve known.

I told her about you. Yes, you.

And do you know what she said with her eyes after I showed her a photo of you?

She thought, oh God, he’s so out of your league.

And I thought, I know, but I love him.

Because she loves me, she never said I couldn’t do it. She thought, okay, how can we make this work?

One day, if my heart is right this time, you’ll meet her.

That’s when I knew without a doubt it was you. You. The man who I saw as way out of my league. The man I believed wouldn’t care if I had to go.

It was really difficult for me to wrap my mind around.

But there’s been a lot going on. So, I forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself. And there was never anything to forgive you for. Even if you feel there was. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right.

I was scared. If you had done anything different, I would have just run sooner. I’d never met anyone with a brain like yours and a heart like mine. I didn’t feel ready when I saw you. Your face killed me in a good way.

And I wanted to follow my heart. I just couldn’t hear her very well back then. Plus, she tumbles ahead to the end of the story without paying attention to details, like budgets and what steps we need to take to get there.

I’ve accomplished getting fat and growing a beard.

You’re the one. You’re the one who lit my dreams.

I travelled back from the future to tell you that you need to quit smoking.

Because that was a dream, right? Not a vision of something that has happened.

Do you know how impossible it is to fly when the place where our wings come from is filled with sorrow?

I want to make you smile. I want to make you laugh.

I want to take care of your heart the way I wasn’t able to before. No excuses. I fucked up. I hope you’ll forgive me.

I love you.

Didn’t I promise not to call you my future husband when we first met?

You’re the man who trusted me to come back. Do you know how important that is to my heart?

I don’t want to stop telling this story.

POSTCARDS FROM HELL: phone ripped out of the wall

story 6

I can’t feel you from down here
my thoughts turn to your face
and i know sometimes you’re knocking
but the air is thick in her
steel walls reinforced
scramblers jammers
not even a hammer will bring me to you in this state
locked in this room
wrestling my fears at night
where i hear you best
talking to people about my fate
right? did i get it right?
not another one who knows better
not another sent like David
to drop me from great heights
my bones can’t take it
not tonight
maybe i’ll be able tomorrow
i can’t feel you
you’re so far away now
i don’t know what to do
but cry
don’t leave if you’re angry
sit under the tree out there
take some time
i will find my way out
your love
it showed me i do feel worthy
of being loved
and if you decide to leave
kiss me first
kiss me slow one last time