midnight sun

you shine divine light on me
and I’m grateful
inside the box is accumulative
there is no better way
to spend an evening
than sitting in the sun
sharing ice cream
soon it will be our birthday
and i will take off my shoes
we will dance barefoot
on the nutrient-dense soil
soon there will be no more night
and i will sleep curled against your chest
your arms wrapped around me
i will say, i miss you
and you won’t blink
because it will be an inside joke
coming from our shared history

The Time Traveller’s Future Husband

lost years

I haven’t slept that well in weeks, no, months. Years maybe.

Do you remember the first time I said I love you when I wasn’t sleeping? We were in bed snuggling. I was afraid I wouldn’t get another chance to tell you.

After I left my old neighbourhood, I was overconfident. Like, I can’t explain it. My mind was a little idk lost in a fantasy.

I was so sure that I had found my soulmate and that nothing could get in the way of us being together.

I actually told my sister that love would just fall out of the sky. And the joke at the time was that I really thought it was true. That I believed in magic and I was going to be able to bring magic to everyone I love.

When I’m in love, I’m a little wild.

So, for three summers, I spent each spare moment at the beach. Why? Fucked if I know. Not on a conscious level.

But somewhere deep inside I knew that I would find love at the beach. Even though I had a feeling that my true love wasn’t from here.

The biggest problem I could imagine was figuring out what beach. There are three public beaches in town that I can get to on public transit.

I would meditate on a rock with the word love etched into it by the water I could walk to, lay on the dock at the beach where people weigh their catch once a year, and feed the geese near a beach which isn’t really a beach by the dump.

I tried everywhere I could get to. And you never came for me. You didn’t come to find me. We didn’t run into each other and pretend it wasn’t something we’d both dreamed of and known was going to happen.

When I saw that moment, I saw it happening in my new neighbourhood. The physical place I now call home.

In the mean time, I kept taking weekend trips to my old neighbourhood. But I was afraid to go back to certain places. In case I would run into someone and see that my prayers for him had come true. And I would know for sure that any pull back there was an exercise in karma resolution. In the way I’ve experienced it in the past. But also, I worried that he would be mean to me in a way that he never had been.

By the third summer, I was a little depressed. The only thing that got me out of the house some days was the belief that I would find love at the beach.

I thought my future husband was going to meet me here. At the beach.

See, when I left, I thought my future husband knew where I lived. Because I couldn’t see who my future husband was and I didn’t give him my forwarding address.

Fast forward to this year.

My friend Mel is one of the most openhearted, loving, giving, honest people I’ve known.

I told her about you. Yes, you.

And do you know what she said with her eyes after I showed her a photo of you?

She thought, oh God, he’s so out of your league.

And I thought, I know, but I love him.

Because she loves me, she never said I couldn’t do it. She thought, okay, how can we make this work?

One day, if my heart is right this time, you’ll meet her.

That’s when I knew without a doubt it was you. You. The man who I saw as way out of my league. The man I believed wouldn’t care if I had to go.

It was really difficult for me to wrap my mind around.

But there’s been a lot going on. So, I forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself. And there was never anything to forgive you for. Even if you feel there was. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right.

I was scared. If you had done anything different, I would have just run sooner. I’d never met anyone with a brain like yours and a heart like mine. I didn’t feel ready when I saw you. Your face killed me in a good way.

And I wanted to follow my heart. I just couldn’t hear her very well back then. Plus, she tumbles ahead to the end of the story without paying attention to details, like budgets and what steps we need to take to get there.

I’ve accomplished getting fat and growing a beard.

You’re the one. You’re the one who lit my dreams.

I travelled back from the future to tell you that you need to quit smoking.

Because that was a dream, right? Not a vision of something that has happened.

Do you know how impossible it is to fly when the place where our wings come from is filled with sorrow?

I want to make you smile. I want to make you laugh.

I want to take care of your heart the way I wasn’t able to before. No excuses. I fucked up. I hope you’ll forgive me.

I love you.

Didn’t I promise not to call you my future husband when we first met?

You’re the man who trusted me to come back. Do you know how important that is to my heart?

I don’t want to stop telling this story.

final tourmaline closure song

false intimacy

May brought early warm days that year. The sun was more beautiful after the long, harsh winter.

August’s dreams had told her for months that something big needed to change.

She was falling into a depression so deep and desperate that she was not only binge watching YouTube videos, but she started to write letters to her favorites through Facebook.

She told strangers intimate details of her life, her failing relationship. People with whom she felt a connection but knew logically they could not feel a connection in return.

It was the beginning of a journey, this sharing with real people, that lead to a series of waterfalls of hell.

She hated every waterfall. She gasped for breath when her head surfaced. She stuttered and shook long enough to become stronger, only to be sent down another waterfall of hell.

August had written a blog a few years earlier about some odd physical health problems of hers, but the experience was different somehow.

That May, believing none of her letters had been answered, she took matters into her own hands.

She left.

But something was still wrong. The place she found shelter in wasn’t right and this brought a whole sub-series of waterfalls of hell.

While she was dealing with the loss of her relationship and the humiliation that came with the awareness she hadn’t been worth fighting for in any way, she met someone online.

She convinced herself it was just one person. She couldn’t handle having so many people surround her at once.

August has a fear of circles.

She couldn’t see their faces. Not their real faces.

She believed that the photos were real. Because she was new to the community. Nobody had told her the rules.

One man she had spoken with for a little bit had been cruel and she didn’t know why.

One day, after getting angry and sad and overwhelmed and fed up with the way some of the people were making fun of her for no reason she could understand, and other things in her life, she saw her first face.

She recognized this man. She immediately associated him with someone she had been talking to.

Immediately after his face came another face. One she recognized from another place. He looked disappointed. She didn’t know why.

She got very angry. She called the first man names. She called the second man names. They never spoke again.

But August felt that something was left unresolved.

It took her several years tied up in false beliefs before she could fully let go and move on.

She thought she was in love with him.

There was something in the jumble of people and words and lies that felt different. It was a light brighter than any she had experienced not coming from an actual angel.

This light was healing. Physically and emotionally. It was a spiritual experience.

She believed that this light could only occur once, in one person, and she thought she knew who it was.

To have that light shine on her after the crazy hell she had come from was like being trapped in an industrial fire believing you were going to die in the back of a warehouse on the top floor, and then hearing a crash and seeing lights coming through the smoke. It was like having a firefighter find you and pull you over his shoulder and walk you out of the building, away from the danger.

And then it was like watching that firefighter walk away without even checking to make sure the medics knew you needed oxygen.

August believed that light was one of the faces. She had been sent a note lamenting the choice to have a spokesperson. But was not expected to reply.

Just an FYI.

That light somehow changed her life, but whoever was involved in shining it left her alone to pick through the mountains of bleached skulls in the charnel grounds.

It wasn’t a fucking rescue mission.

Even years later, August held a false hope that the man she believed had shone the light onto her in the first moments of aware terror was in love with her.

She believed he would choose to be with her after the passing of some event she wasn’t given the privilege of knowing about.

So she waited.

And she waited.

As she waited, people who knew she had left a door half open walked right the fuck in to do everything they could imagine to rip her life apart.

Guess who those people were. Guess how they knew her.

But none of it mattered because she believed that the mythical creature True Love, embodied by this man, was always just around the next corner.

She was able to withstand each fucking waterfall of hell until she could no longer believe there were any corners left to look around.

August gave up waiting because nothing ever happened.

And then she put her imprinted neurons into a Yatzee cup, shook the fuck out of them, and put them back into her brain one by one.

Somehow her brain started working again.

After her own foggy experience where she may have sent something divine to a person whose face she never saw, August could see that maybe whatever happened long ago wasn’t even intentional.