nothing left to say

i’m sorry i give up


Well, it’s all over now, and tbh God, I’m a little scared.

I tried. I really fucking gave it a good go, you know.

I prayed. I wrote. I healed. I surrendered.

But no matter what I did to find my future husband and make my way to him, God, the obstacles that came both through natural consequence and wicked interference were just too much.

Now that I have nothing to lose, there’s no reason to keep it in anymore. There’s nothing holding me back from writing the truth that I asked you to follow me down winding country snowy roads bc one of my crazy exes has been tracking my all-wheel drive.

I don’t need to hide the fact that I have a crazy ex (bc let’s get real, the only thing worse than a fake high maintenance woman is one with a crazy stalker ex who has nothing better to do with his time than fuck around in his invisibility cloak up in the low sky chasing me, fucking with me, using his knowledge of me to trick me, and doing whatever it is he does to fuck with any man who walks too close to me on the sidewalk) bc it’s all over now and I’ve given up and surrendered to the fact that no matter what I try, no matter how well I think I’m following God’s instructions, whatever evil runs through that man and has made a home in his blood, his heart, his bones, whatever that evil is has won.

If you can call this some kind of competition. A game. Maybe an obstacle course.

I want you to know, future husband, that I really did fucking try. I don’t want you to wake up some morning when this is all over and done with and he’s forgotten your name, to wake up and see my face knowing it’s not possible for us to be together and believe I didn’t do everything -everything- in my power to at least give us a chance to try.

Yes, I walked through charnel grounds for years, forty days at a time, (in heels some rounds, no less) just so we could have a chance. Knowing after everything I’ve learned as I fought to survive and heal that there are no guarantees.

Even before all that, I had to fight to learn to fight in a way that would have some impact on the daemons running him, these are spirits that have no moral compass, you know. They don’t give a fuck about anything but destruction.

And before that, I had to fight to believe I was worthy of love in the first place. bc what’s the point in fighting for anything you don’t believe you deserve, you know.

I give up, God, I’m sorry. Forgive me for my weakness. Have mercy on me not bc I failed but bc I tried. I really did. Forgive me bc I just didn’t have what it takes.

Especially through the sleepless nights being dragged through the muddy past, being strung up in trees, fighting panic as I was thrown into a glass box in some low sky version of the red light district.

I begged them to look into my eyes. I begged them to ask me how I got there. But there were few who even knew how to hear me.

And I prayed. Oh, I fucking prayed every single day. More than that. I woke praying. I prayed as I made tea, as I walked to school, in the grocery, the laundry mat, standing in front of the stove making dinner, by the sink doing dishes. I prayed whenever I felt my side cave in with fear. I prayed when I woke not remembering my dreams. I prayed to be of service to God. I prayed to be an instrument of peace. I prayed for my life and my protection and my daily bread and I prayed that divine blessings and protection and healing be granted to each person I was connected to in some way. I prayed for healing in all directions of time. I prayed for God to send me a mentor hand-selected by Him. I prayed for the Lord to send angels ahead of me to light my path. I prayed, Your light upon my feet, Your light upon my road, I prayed psalm 23 every fucking day.

And most of all, what I thought was going to be the key to success, I prayed for God’s will to be done. With each prayer, I added, Your will be done, God.

God brought me some heavy hitters to help me, future husband, people with power and influence and hearts of fucking gold. But even this wasn’t enough. Even all of this divine help couldn’t help me get out of whatever mess I’ve been tied with.

Truthfully, things did start changing when I prayed that way and with the help that God sent. But it wasn’t enough and I’m sorry.

I surrendered everything and everyone involving each situation I faced up to God. But that wasn’t enough and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I blamed you when things got bad. I’m sorry I blamed you for not being here to protect me, to cover me in Christ when I was too fucking exhausted to keep myself covered with prayer. When I was so tired that even the words I tried to form in my mind for prayer came out jumbled and wrong.

I’m sorry I never learned to code.

I’m sorry some of the things I’ve experienced have made it too painful to do things I would have had to do in order to get to you.

And I know that, if you ever do find my songs, my stories, my novels, my poems, my prayers, all of these sorrys won’t mean much.

I know that everything I’ve done and tried to give you so that you would have something if I didn’t make it won’t mean much to a man who wakes one morning from a nightmare of having lost something he can’t quite make sense of right away.

I know sorry can’t hold you when you’ve lost your job. Words on a screen can’t climb into bed with you after a long week and kiss your forehead. Sorry can’t make you smile. Sorry won’t be able to hold your hand as you struggle to stay upright on the worst days. Sorry can’t listen as you talk about your fears, or even about the good things in your day.

Sorry will leave you alone. No matter how well intended it is, sorry isn’t much of anything at all to give.

I can’t even cry today. I can’t face the grief that will come when it fully sinks in that I have lost you. And that, no matter how many times I blamed you for not being here, it’s my own fault. I’m the only one to blame. And I’m not blameless only bc I tried but it wasn’t enough. bc I failed.

I couldn’t even make it to you to try, you know. I tried that too, and I just couldn’t do it.

The only thing left for me to do now is succumb to the fact that I’m doing the rest of this life alone. Not alone, alone bc friends and mentors and God. But I can’t be with someone I don’t love. I can’t be anything but fully my true self now. And other than you, I’ve mostly found people who aren’t looking for real connection.

This is my fate, not yours. The only thing I can think of is that I am cursed by my fate and God’s plan for you doesn’t include this kind of suffering.

bc it’s not that God isn’t all-knowing and all-powerful. It’s not that anything has the ability to stand in God’s way. God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven, just as it says in the prayer Jesus gave us when He came to be with us.

I can only believe that this has all been a lesson somehow, a cautionary tale for anyone who might stumble, by God’s design, upon my words that I’ve written for you. This story of us as told by me.

I didn’t want this to be a breakup song. But this isn’t about what I want. I’m just a child of God not quite understanding why I failed, but knowing I did and that my try is over nonetheless.

Maybe there’s a purpose greater than I can imagine. I can only hope that something good comes out of this love that I have for you.

Now I pray for your happiness, health and protection, even when that happiness and health will have nothing to do with me.

I’m sorry. I love you.

a fiend for that lean

awaken, divine guardians of mine

Let nothing interfere with our divine right to true freedom

You in the corner with your quiet fantasies, the ones that help you sleep at night, the ones you don’t want to let go. You in the corner with your soda thinking nobody sees you.

Have you asked your fantasies where they came from? You who are so sure that you know how this part of the universe works, ask your fantasies about the future, ‘what is your genesis?’

And be prepared for the face that comes to you. Be prepared to see someone we both know. Let yourself see and accept the truth about how these ideas were planted in your mind. I know it’s a game changer. But it’s time to wake from your dreams when the invisible fire snake slides into that room, the one you were led to by a forgery of a person a figure an archetype that you trust.

The nearly silent hiss of this invisible fire snake that sounds like a thousand match heads being lit, that sound which has terrified me from my earliest youth, woke me suddenly in the summer of 2014.

I had to get on my knees and pray for the highest and best possible divine protection. I had to surrender the entire situation and everyone and everything involving the situation, my suffering, to God. Surrender it to a power higher than me. I had to confess my fears my transgressions my mistakes in order to wash the scales from my eyes.

I had to ask for help to be willing to see the truth.

I had to use my free will choice – that freedom I have so ferociously protected and advocated for – to ask for help. Because free will means we have to ask. If help is just given up there in the low sky, it’s coming from one who does not respect free will. You know?

Hey you in the corner, one of two brown-eyed men in this club at six in the morning, check your lights. Who’s been paying the hydro bills?

you got this

i know you do

Hey you, hanging in the corner, sneaking down the stairs, I see you and now you know I see you but you’re still running those lines.

We should talk…

You know I love you –

Hey come back here.

I know you know what I’m going to say and now you know that I know you know, but you’re still running up these stairs.

Don’t pay no mind to the man standing next to me with that sneer on his face. He means no harm. His face just rests like that.

Technically he shouldn’t be here bc this, this thing between you and me, has nothing to do with him but there he is believing he’s protecting me.

Now you know I know there’s a man beside me, one who won’t leave my side no matter where I go no matter what I do.

I could tell you all the things he’s done since he arrived that saved my ass. I could tell you all the things I needed to be saved from. But you of all people know what bombs I’m trying to miss in this field.

You of all people know why he’s there. And now you know that I know.

If I take his hand in mine to slow his erratic pulse, will you stay just for a minute? Just long enough to look into his eyes.

You’re both here for a reason.

He won’t speak to you, but I know you know that looking into his eyes will unlock all you need from meeting him.

We could talk about what you will see when he’s not around, but, well, you know. So, take your time.

I know this feels like your place. You’ve had the key for years and even when I changed the locks, I made sure you had a copy, didn’t I?

Thank you. No, hey, don’t panic. I know you of all people, you who’ve been in this place to hear all of my goodbyes, know what it sounds like.

And you’re not ready. I know. And I gave all the others all the time they needed. I know. And I know you want me to tell you that you don’t need what I’ve given to the others because you’re different. And you are different. You’re unlike any of the others.

But you hate it when I lie to you so I never have. You do need some of what I’ve given the others. Not in the same way. Not the same measure. You need to allow yourself to receive what’s in my heart for you. This is for you and only you.

I could tell you that you’ll feel better after, that it will change your life in a good way, but you won’t hear that.

The promises I made you were bigger. You’ve heard them for more years. You of all people who have known me know that the promises I’ve made are possible. You know I could keep my promises and now you know I know you know.

I have something to tell you –

Oh come on, please just stay to hear me out. You’re not going far anyway. If I yell you’ll hear me no matter where you go.

What if I told you that I need my key back bc you just being here gives me totally away? That I can’t keep anything to myself until it’s the right time?

I want to do things differently.

Yes, with that guy.

No, don’t try to stop him from talking. You know he’s going to have feelings and opinions no matter what and you know they will come through anyway. Let him have his say. Don’t take it personally. He’s hurting.

Sorry, fuck, I wasn’t trying to… Please stay. Please keep talking.

Listen, I really wanted to read a fucking book right now but here I am, so can we please all take a deep breath.

Yes, I am going to kneel. You don’t own me. Please let us have a moment. We need a moment.

He will not say something that will change my mind. If he wanted to do that, he’d wait until you were working.

It’s okay, you didn’t cause anything. We’ll be okay. He’s a good guy. Just like you.

Do you see this box I just pulled from my heart and put on the floor between us? That’s for you. Pour it all into the box.

Hey, I know you don’t trust me. I know you think they fucked me up so wholly that I’ll never be able to make a decision on my own. I know you’ve watched them interfere. I know you believe you know better than I do.

But you can’t see the now me when you’re like this. You know how careless I’ve been. You’ve watched me make countless mistakes.

I’m stronger now. I’m more clear now.

I know. I know you’ll never believe me enough to trust me to lead you in the right direction.

But do you see that’s how they fucked with you?

Can you take these words into your heart, knowing my intentions are pure and always have been, even though I’ve made mistakes.

Now, after everything, I’m the only one who can lead you out of this place. Now, after everything, the only way either of us see the sun again unfettered by any roof is for you to take a leap of faith.

Stay here as long as you need to. All I ask is that you carry this empty box with you. And call me when you’ve filled it.

Of course I’ll be here if you need me.

Where else would I be? Would I leave you all alone?

Things are going to change, and I might not be able to keep those promises I made years ago, but I can promise something better now.

You have to take that leap to find out. This might hurt for a minute, but everything that comes after will be so much more than that pain.

Take your time. You don’t have to decide now.

I can’t answer all of your questions. I don’t know all of the answers.

You know I love you. That hasn’t changed. Not for twenty eight years.