a fiend for that lean

awaken, divine guardians of mine

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Let nothing interfere with our divine right to true freedom

You in the corner with your quiet fantasies, the ones that help you sleep at night, the ones you don’t want to let go. You in the corner with your soda thinking nobody sees you.

Have you asked your fantasies where they came from? You who are so sure that you know how this part of the universe works, ask your fantasies about the future, ‘what is your genesis?’

And be prepared for the face that comes to you. Be prepared to see someone we both know. Let yourself see and accept the truth about how these ideas were planted in your mind. I know it’s a game changer. But it’s time to wake from your dreams when the invisible fire snake slides into that room, the one you were led to by a forgery of a person a figure an archetype that you trust.

The nearly silent hiss of this invisible fire snake that sounds like a thousand match heads being lit, that sound which has terrified me from my earliest youth, woke me suddenly in the summer of 2014.

I had to get on my knees and pray for the highest and best possible divine protection. I had to surrender the entire situation and everyone and everything involving the situation, my suffering, to God. Surrender it to a power higher than me. I had to confess my fears my transgressions my mistakes in order to wash the scales from my eyes.

I had to ask for help to be willing to see the truth.

I had to use my free will choice – that freedom I have so ferociously protected and advocated for – to ask for help. Because free will means we have to ask. If help is just given up there in the low sky, it’s coming from one who does not respect free will. You know?

Hey you in the corner, one of two brown-eyed men in this club at six in the morning, check your lights. Who’s been paying the hydro bills?

you got this

i know you do

Hey you, hanging in the corner, sneaking down the stairs, I see you and now you know I see you but you’re still running those lines.

We should talk…

You know I love you –

Hey come back here.

I know you know what I’m going to say and now you know that I know you know, but you’re still running up these stairs.

Don’t pay no mind to the man standing next to me with that sneer on his face. He means no harm. His face just rests like that.

Technically he shouldn’t be here bc this, this thing between you and me, has nothing to do with him but there he is believing he’s protecting me.

Now you know I know there’s a man beside me, one who won’t leave my side no matter where I go no matter what I do.

I could tell you all the things he’s done since he arrived that saved my ass. I could tell you all the things I needed to be saved from. But you of all people know what bombs I’m trying to miss in this field.

You of all people know why he’s there. And now you know that I know.

If I take his hand in mine to slow his erratic pulse, will you stay just for a minute? Just long enough to look into his eyes.

You’re both here for a reason.

He won’t speak to you, but I know you know that looking into his eyes will unlock all you need from meeting him.

We could talk about what you will see when he’s not around, but, well, you know. So, take your time.

I know this feels like your place. You’ve had the key for years and even when I changed the locks, I made sure you had a copy, didn’t I?

Thank you. No, hey, don’t panic. I know you of all people, you who’ve been in this place to hear all of my goodbyes, know what it sounds like.

And you’re not ready. I know. And I gave all the others all the time they needed. I know. And I know you want me to tell you that you don’t need what I’ve given to the others because you’re different. And you are different. You’re unlike any of the others.

But you hate it when I lie to you so I never have. You do need some of what I’ve given the others. Not in the same way. Not the same measure. You need to allow yourself to receive what’s in my heart for you. This is for you and only you.

I could tell you that you’ll feel better after, that it will change your life in a good way, but you won’t hear that.

The promises I made you were bigger. You’ve heard them for more years. You of all people who have known me know that the promises I’ve made are possible. You know I could keep my promises and now you know I know you know.

I have something to tell you –

Oh come on, please just stay to hear me out. You’re not going far anyway. If I yell you’ll hear me no matter where you go.

What if I told you that I need my key back bc you just being here gives me totally away? That I can’t keep anything to myself until it’s the right time?

I want to do things differently.

Yes, with that guy.

No, don’t try to stop him from talking. You know he’s going to have feelings and opinions no matter what and you know they will come through anyway. Let him have his say. Don’t take it personally. He’s hurting.

Sorry, fuck, I wasn’t trying to… Please stay. Please keep talking.

Listen, I really wanted to read a fucking book right now but here I am, so can we please all take a deep breath.

Yes, I am going to kneel. You don’t own me. Please let us have a moment. We need a moment.

He will not say something that will change my mind. If he wanted to do that, he’d wait until you were working.

It’s okay, you didn’t cause anything. We’ll be okay. He’s a good guy. Just like you.

Do you see this box I just pulled from my heart and put on the floor between us? That’s for you. Pour it all into the box.

Hey, I know you don’t trust me. I know you think they fucked me up so wholly that I’ll never be able to make a decision on my own. I know you’ve watched them interfere. I know you believe you know better than I do.

But you can’t see the now me when you’re like this. You know how careless I’ve been. You’ve watched me make countless mistakes.

I’m stronger now. I’m more clear now.

I know. I know you’ll never believe me enough to trust me to lead you in the right direction.

But do you see that’s how they fucked with you?

Can you take these words into your heart, knowing my intentions are pure and always have been, even though I’ve made mistakes.

Now, after everything, I’m the only one who can lead you out of this place. Now, after everything, the only way either of us see the sun again unfettered by any roof is for you to take a leap of faith.

Stay here as long as you need to. All I ask is that you carry this empty box with you. And call me when you’ve filled it.

Of course I’ll be here if you need me.

Where else would I be? Would I leave you all alone?

Things are going to change, and I might not be able to keep those promises I made years ago, but I can promise something better now.

You have to take that leap to find out. This might hurt for a minute, but everything that comes after will be so much more than that pain.

Take your time. You don’t have to decide now.

I can’t answer all of your questions. I don’t know all of the answers.

You know I love you. That hasn’t changed. Not for twenty eight years.

bare and true

(They Don’t Want Me To Share This)

You kneel at my feet on my stoop
like I’m a queen no god no goddess
in those robes those ratty, ratty robes and headdress that look shiny from here
Others you have knelt before to big up their false light, that bare bulb:
oh wow I’m a goddess they said
take me to the beach pay for my nails draw me a bath write me a song
and I will prance for you
show me the heels you like and the stance slide me a pic of your fave lingerie
and for you and only you I will prance

yea, that’s where you came from
I couldn’t tell you how I knew
yet, though I played for a few knights, I was never happy in heels
My true saviour told me ‘hold’
so I laced my Pumas
but only part of me left when you told me to get out
the other versions of us weren’t done talking
My angriest self was convinced you were one of them
your most helpless self told you I was just like the others
But you saw me transform
we walked suddenly side by side
while my bare bulb was lit
my true light was blinding
I expected you to recognize it and stonewall it
there wasn’t a conscious part of me
that believed you wouldn’t know
that you of all the men I’ve met wouldn’t know light
right here on earth
the way I did
the only true thing
they saw but pretended it was nothing
pretended it was nothing
So that when we finally collided
all I had to give was my nothing
and all you knew wasn’t true

Here we are
still
you over there me across space
listening, always, like I said I would
waiting for that tone
your song I can’t resist
and coming to your side when you call
seemed like what all the others did
you couldn’t tell the difference
and I forgive you
because up here, where I really live, I’ve seen it all
Men who use their light like a billboard
Men who funnel our light while we sleep
Men who demand silence
and those that reflect my truth in a way that looks like theirs
It really felt like their truth
But while I was holding their hand they were sneering at their true self
this didn’t alarm me
this is how I grew, tending the dead
And I wouldn’t leave that couch because you didn’t want me to
not because I was waiting for you to finally pass out so I could empty your pockets and leave

A lifetime of leaving
how could I explain
that I was trying to escape hell
when I saw them all
surround you
put their guns to your head
Part of me believes it’s not possible to ever fully stop dancing on that porch beneath the wood lined awning
part of me has known nothing else
I see now how they used your projection to keep me there
that you in the rain holding onto a bicycle
waiting just beyond the stop sign
lit with pulsing red street light and shiny evening darkness
if only I could find my way out
where I could be good enough