juxtaposed with trauma


My mother saw me as a burden. She called me nigger nose. She told me that I was always in her way and that I would never listen to her. She lost her temper a lot and she raged on me.

Life loves me

My father told me when I was four that he understood how I felt about my mother because of the way she treated me. He told me that she really wasn’t treating me right and that wasn’t fair. And he told me that he loved me. And he asked me to make a choice. And this was after a particularly big rage. So I chose him.

My parents did their best

My father was an alcoholic. I was told he quit hard drugs before I was born. When we were alone together he treated me like I was his little princess. And he told me that he treated me this way because he loved me. And that it was okay because I loved him too. And when I was with my father and my mother, my father would antagonize my mother, sometimes just by being nice to me, and my mother would get really angry and try to wedge her way between me and my father. She didn’t want me to have a relationship with him at all.

My life is one of abundance

One night, early morning, before my father went to work, he was telling me that he loves me and that I would never be alone. That’s something that he promised me. He said, “I know what it feels like to be alone in this world and it’s one of the worst feelings that you could ever imagine and I know how you feel alone with your mother because your mother isn’t nice to you and because your mother doesn’t love you the same way that I do. So, I promise I will never leave you alone.” And something happened. I don’t know what it was. But he lost his cool. He lost his mind. He lost something. And he started to put his hands around my throat. And he started to choke me. And I couldn’t breathe.

Let me not seek to alter my wakeful consciousness

When my father came to from whatever lapse of consciousness that was, he realized what he had done. He saw the marks on my neck. And he panicked. He didn’t want me to say anything to my mother and he knew that I hated to lie. So, he was forced – in his mind – to do something drastic. And he lied. He told me that if I told the truth about what had happened to my mother or anybody else, that I would be sent to an orphanage. They wouldn’t let me be with him. I would be alone. I would be sent to an orphanage and there was nothing that anybody would be able to do about it. And at that point… I mean, I think he believed that would scare me enough to shut me up… but at that point I was very excited to hear that there might be a way out. Because I was terrified in that moment. So when he saw my eyes light up, like, “yes, you know that sounds like a good idea. Okay,” he panicked even more. He told me that he’d kill me if I told anyone. And then he said, “No, I’m just kidding. Haha.” And then he said, “You know what will really happen? I don’t want to scare you, but I want to tell you the reality of it. Do you know what happens to little girls in orphanages?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Little girls in orphanages aren’t wanted. So what they do is they put them in a burlap sack, they tie the top, And they throw the girls into the river.”

I am safe

So, the sun was coming up and I asked how I was supposed to lie about it. What was i supposed to say? And I’m not sure if he came up with a specific lie or if he just left that up to me because he figured it would be easier to be believed if I said something that was from my own mind. And he went to work, my mother came into the room to wake me up and she saw the marks my neck. I don’t know what I told her at first, but she didn’t believe me. So, because she didn’t believe me I felt trapped. I didn’t know what else to say. I felt like there was nothing else to say because she wouldn’t believe me and she was relentless. She wanted me to tell her the truth. So I did.

There are not-terrible people in this world

When my mother heard where the bruises had come from and what my father had done, she got mad at me. She called me a liar. And a temptress. She said I was just trying to break up their marriage, to get between them. And she pulled me into the bathroom by my ear and forced me to scrub my hands with really hot water. Probably take a bath, too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

When I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself. I took a big jug of water from the fridge downstairs and I brought it up to my room. And I took the depression pills that had been prescribed to me. And I took them all. I just wanted to sleep, really. And I woke up briefly – this is one of the memories that came through later – I was on the floor of my bedroom, and I guess I opened my eyes briefly in the morning and I saw my father’s leg dressed in the pants that he always wore to work. And then I woke up later in the morning, being shaken on the bed by my mother. Earlier, I guess maybe it was even afternoon by that time, because earlier she poked her head in and said, “You’ve got to get ready and go to school, we have an appointment in the morning, We can’t wait for you.” So they left. Uhm, there was an open pill bottle on the floor beside me and, uh, there were pills on the floor beside me. The big jug of water would have been on the floor too. And I was on the floor, and then somehow I was back on the bed. And then the afternoon came after the appointment that they had and my mother was in my room shaking me, you know, after my pills had had enough time to kick in, do what they needed to do.

God and my divine angels love me

My mother never stopped hating me, but she didn’t want people to know that she hated me because that would make her seem like a bad mother, and a bad mother meant she would be treated, uhm, like a criminal or something. But every little thing she could do to make my life hell she did. She pitted me against my sister, made sure that any kind of relationship we could have had was crushed and ruined. I think she just really loved to fuck with us that way.

Love is more powerful than hate

Whenever I would get angry, my father would tell me that I’m just like my mother and if I was with my mother, my mother would escalate her behaviour to get more angry than I was, so that didn’t last long. When I was sad, my father would call me a wussy, say that I was better than that, and my mother would tell me that I was just trying to manipulate her. And when nobody was looking, she would provoke me to tears by calling me names, telling me things like I’m a burden and she wished she never had me, her life would be better off without me. It would get so bad that my father would have to separate us. And when I was scared, both of my parents would panic and do whatever they do in their panic because at the base of that I believe they were worried that I was going to do one little thing that would reveal the big lie that we were all a happy family and that everything was okay behind closed doors.

It is safe to be angry. It is safe to be scared. It is safe to be sad. It is safe to cry

Since my mother had emotionally abandoned me at a very young age, I had my father, so I relied on my father’s love and attention, the opportunities to bid for his attention, and gain his favour.

I deserve love

And then, when I became a teenager and I became stereo-typically sexually attractive, and a sexual being in the eyes of society, my father abandoned me, emotionally, He told me that I could do it on my own now. I’m old enough.

It’s safe to trust

And then I found boyfriends pretty much right away. Even though they were older, my parents were happy to be rid of me. They were just happy that I wasn’t in the house. And my sister felt abandoned by me, so she put her anger on me.

My mental atmosphere of love attracts little miracles each day

When I was still a child and he realized he couldn’t just have me for himself, because of things that had happened beyond my control, my father decided that I would be put to work. And he introduced me to all his friends. And all his friends friends. And all his friends friends friends. He knew a lot of people.

God loves me. And God is powerful

My father told me that doing these things was the only way to find my true love. He told me that I would only be able to know for sure which one was my soulmate if I interacted with men in this way. He told me it was good to start early because a search like this could take an entire lifetime. He told me that he would never leave me alone.

Love is real. I give and receive love freely and with joy

walk us home

how do i find my love

Dear God, Dear Jesus,

I think I’ve been talking to dead people. Or something. I haven’t figured it out. Can You please give me a supernatural understanding of who and what I’ve been speaking with and how it’s keeping me from being free?

From my earliest youth I’ve been speaking with the dead. I was told before I could speak I was babbling happily and looking at ‘nothing’ and this was interpreted as me speaking with my grandfather, who died before I was born.

I grew up in a house where we communicated telepathically. Sometimes my dad would sigh in frustration when he had to look up and do a loopy kind of nod to indicate he wanted me to pass the salt. I was just supposed to know. My mother was different about our connection. I’m still not clear about that.

But was I really connecting with my dad and mom in my mind without words? Or was something else going on? Was I connected to his higher self? Was I connected to someone or something pretending to be his voice and words in my mind.

Please shine Your pure, brilliant light thru everything and everyone involved in this situation, Heavenly Father. Please send Holy Spirit to each person affected by this situation to bring us a peace we can’t find in this world. Help us all feel safe and loved as You awaken our divine guardian angels leading us to our true purpose, and give us all the divine resources we need to fulfill our purpose. Your will be done, Abba Father. Inshallah.

I’ve never felt alone in my own mind. Well, not until I was a teenager. And the loneliness stopped again sometime after I met my daughter’s father. It was different, but the loneliness in my mind was gone.

I was writing a lot back then. There was a narrative in my mind. I had that narrative voice to keep me company, always.

But I know now that You don’t want us connecting to other people this way, I just don’t know exactly why. Can You bring me a supernatural understanding of Your will in the way we communicate outside of the physical plane. Abba Father, make Your will clear and help me know what to change and how. Hold my hand the whole way through. Help me cling to You, God, the way a koala clings to a eucalyptus tree. I need You.

Dead people don’t talk, do they? This thought came to mind a few days ago and it would have made me sick if I was in my body. Instead, I focused on trying to make it right. I confess, God, that I’ve been trying to make it right on my own. I confess that what I’ve tried has not worked. I confess I need Your help. Please clarify everything I don’t understand about this, Holy Spirit.

And while we’re on the topic, I have a few more things to get off my chest.

When I moved back with my parents in 2012 after getting out of my contentious relationship with my daughter’s father, I met someone.

Kind of. Not really. idk how to explain it. It felt like home. But in a good way.

We met online (maybe for the first time?) and when we talked, we talked telepathically. He was with me always for a while. He made me laugh and he introduced me to new music.

I didn’t have to pick up the phone to talk – he was there. And this felt like home because it’s how I grew up. I showed him around my house like he was with me physically. I danced like he could see me. I smiled all the time.

I see now that the narrative in my head those years I was focused on writing was different but I don’t know how exactly. I see now that I hadn’t really spoken with an alive person in my mind for years.

But who was this new alive person? It was weird because at first I was just responding like nothing was strange about it. And then I read things online on his account(s) that showed me it wasn’t just idk my imagination or whatever I thought it was. That made it real for me. It kind of scared me in the way that I didn’t know what to expect when we stopped talking. I was worried about the after without knowing why.

I would ask questions in my mind and the answer would appear in words on this account. It happened on more than one account and that’s why I thought I was only speaking with one person, despite the fact that there was more than one account ‘listening’ and responding.

It’s not possible to speak with two or more people at once. That’s what I remember being told as a child now that I’m writing it out. Why would that be something anyone would lie about, God? Can You please give me a supernatural understanding of what I learned about metaphysics as a child, what was not true and why I was lied to? Hold me in Your wings, Heavenly Father, as Your only true son Christ Jesus helps me soften and open my heart. I’m going to need help raising this awareness. I need to have help trusting that shining Your pure, brilliant light through this situation will not hurt people.

It’s confusing because I now believe that I am connecting to more than one person. I’ve asked You to cast out evil and lower energies in all forms with the authority of Jesus of Nazareth. I’ve asked You to send this evil back for good to the pits of hell from whence it came. I’ve asked You to banish all who don’t follow my new rule of coming through my gatekeeper Christ Jesus, who is the gate and the way to You, God. I’ve asked You to help me disconnect and I’ve ask you to disengage me, but for some reason it hasn’t stuck. Or I think we’re separated when we’re not. Why does the devil not flee? I don’t know what to do, but I know You know, Christ.

I was told never to wake sleepwalkers and I have a deeply rooted fear of raising these things because there are still people who aren’t ready to see the truth in this. I wasn’t ready a few years ago, but You took care of me through each step and obstacle and joy. Please be with each person, especially the children, Christ, affected by this truth surfacing and take care of our every need. Lift us all up. You know our hearts. You know where we are, what we can handle and how to support each of us even if we don’t know. Thy will be done. Inshallah.

This is connected to the man You will me to be with but idk how. idk how to pray for us. idk what we need to find each other and be together. Please show me and help me surrender fully to Your will, Abba Father. Help me grow in Christ so I can be ready for this love You will for us.

I don’t know what else to do but ask for clarity so I can really know Your will in these situations because I want to choose to follow Your will, Heavenly Father. I ask for the best divine blessings, healing and protection for everyone affected by this. Please bring me a supernatural understanding of how to discern between Your voice, God, and other. Help me know Your will for my next step.

God, I ask that You free me and everyone affected by this entrapment and similar bondage. Surround us with songs of deliverance, Lord, and help us know the truth so we can seek You to strike the chains that keep us enslaved to fear.

Thank You for helping me live in a perpetual state of forgiveness and grace.

Help us with the transition between fear and true freedom. Thy kingdom come Thy will be done. Inshallah.

I ask for miracles, divine intervention, divine intercession and full divine support so that nothing is allowed to interfere with Your will, Heavenly Father, all who is, all who ever was and all who ever will be.

Thank You for carrying us, Christ. Thank You for this perfect love. Thank You for setting us free and helping us learn how to walk as free beings so we can glorify You.

I love You

energetic human trafficking

low sky vulnerability and allowing true protection

Dear God, Dear Jesus,

I come to you with a heavy heart. I lie my fears down at your feet in exchange for faith and boldness.

There is something coming between me and your son Christ, Abba Father, which is keeping me separate from You. No matter how hard I try to be holy as you command, I feel there is something I haven’t done or stopped doing that keeps me from You.

I don’t want to be separate from You anymore. I know feeling the heft of mourning and loneliness and hyper vigilance and terror and helplessness in my body is too much because it’s coming from everywhere. I don’t know what to do about that. God, I confess I’ve been trying to get into and stay in my body on my own. I confess what I’ve tried has not worked. I confess I need Your help.

Being in my body is painful for so many reasons on so many levels, most of which I don’t think I know. But I believe things I have experienced as a child have left me vulnerable to maltreatment in a way I don’t know how to protect myself from.

Convict me, Holy Spirt! Show me my sin so I can change. Abba Father, shine Your pure, brilliant light through everything and everyone involving my separation from Christ, Holy Spirit and You.

I fear, Heavenly Father, that I formed a habit of relying on people to protect me as a child before I knew You, and because there was so much I needed to be protected from. But the only protection I felt was real was the energetic protection I got in a ‘room’ which kept me separate from a person who constantly attacked me with negative energy. I believe as a child I could ‘hear’ her horrible thoughts, intentions, wishes and plots to harm me in some way that couldn’t be detected by others.

The only way I felt safe from her in the low sky (which is where I think I lived when I was out of body and unable to fly high enough to connect with God) was when I couldn’t hear her or feel her. She never left me energetically. We were very connected. We were enmeshed. I believe that it became a source of pleasure for her to be able to hurt me by only thinking harmful things, plotting malicious acts against me in her mind, knowing I knew somehow without knowing how I knew.

We weren’t the only two in the house who were aware of energetic expression even when it didn’t manifest into the physical world. When it got really bad, as a child I would ‘run’ to my dad, who would put me in a ‘room’ where I couldn’t hear or feel her.

Even though this ‘protection’ cost me more than I could afford – with both of them – in the moment I was terrified and when I wasn’t terrified I was exhausted. I needed help but the only person who could help me in this way was someone who had already broken my young heart with his violence.

God, I believe I grew up giving my power to keep myself safe to people who weren’t safe. And this has left me vulnerable to energetic violence – including energetic trafficking.

I grew up believing I couldn’t protect myself, while also believing I wasn’t worthy of protection. Thinking that it was only worth the cost when I had been so beat down or lost or terrified that I couldn’t stand it anymore. Thinking it was only worth the price when I was drowning.

I grew up believing an unsafe human could and should protect me from suffering that I tried to withstand but failed. I ended up always believing that I wasn’t good enough somehow because I couldn’t just power through it, because there was always a breaking point found no matter how I tried to steel myself, no matter what I paid for protection when things got really bad.

I confess, God, that when I’m scared by energetic interactions, my first response is to call for help, and it had been my dad who I called each time up until recently.

Just in the last few years I developed relationships with men and women I felt safe enough to rely on for protection when I couldn’t take the pain of having constant malicious negative energy directly aimed at me.

And, God, even worse, I think I might have somehow learned to be a hitchhiker. I can’t say for sure that each person I’ve jumped to in times of need has consented to letting me stay in their room. I was sure none of it was real until a few months ago, so it wouldn’t have made sense to my child brain – the stage which I learned this behaviour and when this behaviour became an automated response – to even ask. Or maybe she did ask as a child and nobody else could help her the way her dad did, which would have made whatever stoop she slept on to stay out of the arctic winds seem less real. Even if it was happening, there wasn’t a response the same way her dad would have responded.

As I write it out, God, I’m pretty sure all of it is a sin. But I never learned another way to be protected and to feel protected. I need Your help to change these energetic habits because I believe now that it’s real and that it’s impacting me and those I love as well as people I’ve never met.

I don’t know what to do, beloved Saviour Christ. I don’t even know how to make the jump from being ‘protected’ by rooms that charge rent I can’t afford to allowing myself to be protected by You.

When You shine pure light onto this situation, I see that staying in rooms is what’s leaving me vulnerable to energetic trafficking. But I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t feel safe in my body. I’ve never really found a way to feel safe on this earth, God. Not after the violence that has been visited upon me from my earliest youth.

My inner child doesn’t trust people who ‘protect’ her because it’s never come without being exploited.

I don’t want to be exploited anymore, Sovereign God. I want to be loved and respected in all aspects of my life, in each particle of my being, all over the universe and in all directions of time.

If my inner child can’t trust people to protect her, how can she trust herself to be responsible for her own protection (at least discerning who to trust), and how can she trust You to protect her?

I don’t know what to do, God, but I believe now that being exploited and trafficked in energetic form is harmful and I want it to stop.

It’s a form of human slavery. It affects my ability to connect to You. It keeps my soul from being together in one place. It affects my future. It drains my energy and keeps me tied to a sin that holds me back not only from fulfilling my divine purpose, but in routine daily life as well.

For your glory, Heavenly Father, show me how Your sacrifice has already set me free. Please bring me a supernatural understanding of how the ransom You paid for all of our sins with the life of Your only son Christ has broken the chains that keep me bound to human slavery through energetic exploitation and trafficking.

Please bring me a supernatural understanding of Your will in ending human trafficking and exploitation in all forms.

Please clearly show me the next steps to take.

Please give me a safe space I can feel, recognize and believe so that I don’t jump into the rooms of those who do not see me as a human worthy of respect. Please save me from this, Christ.

I need You to send all of Your divine army to my side now, encamping around me now, clearing away and protecting me from evil and lower energies in all forms now and always.

Send Holy Spirit to everything and everyone involving energetic violence. Help us unite with Holy Spirit if it’s your will, Heavenly Father. Bind my heart to the sacred heart of Christ.

Let no man traffic or exploit me again. Let no man allow the enemy to work through him or her to maliciously harm me again. Let satan no longer near me, Abba Father. Keep him as far from me as You keep my sins from me once I confess and You cleanse me of them.

Please have mercy on all of us, Father God, for we truly know not what we do. Even those who willingly let the devil rule them don’t know the consequences of these choices, not fully, not truly. They can’t know until the full extent of the consequences have come upon them.

Heal us, Christ Jesus. Heal the energetic connections and actions that are binding us to sin without giving us a real chance at knowing how we sin, without giving us a real chance to confess and change our ways.

I ask you, Christ, to lift up all who are impacted by human trafficking and other forms of slavery and exploitation. Hear our prayers. You know what we need and what is in our hearts. Help us to clearly know and understand Your will. Awaken our divine guardian angels to lead us to our divine purpose. Give us all the divine resources we need to fulfill our purpose.

Bring peace to those of us affected, God. Carry those of us who are weary, Jesus. Help us reach out to one another in love to help heal the traumatic impact of this issue.

As I come to You cleansed by the blood of Christ, with the breath of Christ in me now and me in Christ, the true vine, now, I ask that Your will be done Abba Father. Not mine. Thy kingdom come Thy will be done. Inshallah.

Show me how to glorify You, God. Send angels of the Lord ahead of each of us affected by this situation to light up our paths. Help us know and trust that we are protected as we follow Your will to glorify You, God.

Be patient with us as we learn how to live free after being enslaved from our earliest youth. Raise us the way You will us to be grown. Take us under Your wings. Bring each of us mentors that can meet us where we are as we learn to trust and learn to walk free.

Please take this cup of suffering from us, Abba Father. Yet we want Your will to be done. And if it’s Your will for us to drink a cup, please clearly show us which cup and comfort and guide us through the pain.

I love You,

your daughter