somewhere along the way i lost my confidence.
okay to be honest, i know exactly where i left it and why.
i was nineteen and i had just come home after travelling across Canada with some pretty amazing people.
we were so free and in love with ourselves and each other that the experience almost ruined college for me.
i sulked my way through first year, then ran away for a year because of something embarrassing i did and then i came back to finish up when all my classmates had graduated and hid in a basement apartment listening to Sarah Harmer.
on my way back and forth through town in my Celebrity, i listened to CDs that had been sent for review. and that’s when i discovered Shyne.
he’s got a great voice
if you don’t understand a white girl feeling empowered in a wholehearted, loving way listening to rap about what’s gangster and calling out people who shade you, and men appreciating strong women in bikinis, i don’t blame you
sounds weird to me
but i had just gone through a pretty bad beat down, rug out from under me, wind knocked out of me kind of experience, and i wouldn’t leave the house without an oversized sweater and a pair of very dark sunglasses.
see, i thought that i was loved by the man that i loved and then the universe conspired to show me how untrue it was.
when i wasn’t going to school or smoking cigs in the basement, i was in a doctor’s office begging a man i’d just met for a ‘script for chemo drugs.
i wasn’t sick, i didn’t have cancer. i wasn’t even talking to an oncologist.
i was looking for an off-label benefit and i believed i needed it because i believed i needed to feel loved again.
somehow, almost like it was never the self i identified with most, i left my teenage self and all the appreciation she garnered behind. i left her on a public bathroom floor where i was able to say goodbye with a quiet eulogy and some unobserved tears.
i never looked back. i accepted my new fate like a champ. no complaints.
but there was someone who knew where i left that suit. she must have followed me there and taken it for herself.
because the other day i saw her stepping into my teen self and i followed her. she was using my shiniest outer self to lure men into her bed.
it made me furious to see what she was doing to these men, this woman i once would have given my life for, this woman i once felt i owed everything.
and since i remembered leaving all my confidence in the back pocket of that suit, i don’t really know what to do.
let me see your hands / tell ’em what the fuck i do for this money