My mother saw me as a burden. She called me nigger nose. She told me that I was always in her way and that I would never listen to her. She lost her temper a lot and she raged on me.
Life loves me
My father told me when I was four that he understood how I felt about my mother because of the way she treated me. He told me that she really wasn’t treating me right and that wasn’t fair. And he told me that he loved me. And he asked me to make a choice. And this was after a particularly big rage. So I chose him.
My parents did their best
My father was an alcoholic. I was told he quit hard drugs before I was born. When we were alone together he treated me like I was his little princess. And he told me that he treated me this way because he loved me. And that it was okay because I loved him too. And when I was with my father and my mother, my father would antagonize my mother, sometimes just by being nice to me, and my mother would get really angry and try to wedge her way between me and my father. She didn’t want me to have a relationship with him at all.
My life is one of abundance
One night, early morning, before my father went to work, he was telling me that he loves me and that I would never be alone. That’s something that he promised me. He said, “I know what it feels like to be alone in this world and it’s one of the worst feelings that you could ever imagine and I know how you feel alone with your mother because your mother isn’t nice to you and because your mother doesn’t love you the same way that I do. So, I promise I will never leave you alone.” And something happened. I don’t know what it was. But he lost his cool. He lost his mind. He lost something. And he started to put his hands around my throat. And he started to choke me. And I couldn’t breathe.
Let me not seek to alter my wakeful consciousness
When my father came to from whatever lapse of consciousness that was, he realized what he had done. He saw the marks on my neck. And he panicked. He didn’t want me to say anything to my mother and he knew that I hated to lie. So, he was forced – in his mind – to do something drastic. And he lied. He told me that if I told the truth about what had happened to my mother or anybody else, that I would be sent to an orphanage. They wouldn’t let me be with him. I would be alone. I would be sent to an orphanage and there was nothing that anybody would be able to do about it. And at that point… I mean, I think he believed that would scare me enough to shut me up… but at that point I was very excited to hear that there might be a way out. Because I was terrified in that moment. So when he saw my eyes light up, like, “yes, you know that sounds like a good idea. Okay,” he panicked even more. He told me that he’d kill me if I told anyone. And then he said, “No, I’m just kidding. Haha.” And then he said, “You know what will really happen? I don’t want to scare you, but I want to tell you the reality of it. Do you know what happens to little girls in orphanages?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Little girls in orphanages aren’t wanted. So what they do is they put them in a burlap sack, they tie the top, And they throw the girls into the river.”
I am safe
So, the sun was coming up and I asked how I was supposed to lie about it. What was i supposed to say? And I’m not sure if he came up with a specific lie or if he just left that up to me because he figured it would be easier to be believed if I said something that was from my own mind. And he went to work, my mother came into the room to wake me up and she saw the marks my neck. I don’t know what I told her at first, but she didn’t believe me. So, because she didn’t believe me I felt trapped. I didn’t know what else to say. I felt like there was nothing else to say because she wouldn’t believe me and she was relentless. She wanted me to tell her the truth. So I did.
There are not-terrible people in this world
When my mother heard where the bruises had come from and what my father had done, she got mad at me. She called me a liar. And a temptress. She said I was just trying to break up their marriage, to get between them. And she pulled me into the bathroom by my ear and forced me to scrub my hands with really hot water. Probably take a bath, too.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
When I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself. I took a big jug of water from the fridge downstairs and I brought it up to my room. And I took the depression pills that had been prescribed to me. And I took them all. I just wanted to sleep, really. And I woke up briefly – this is one of the memories that came through later – I was on the floor of my bedroom, and I guess I opened my eyes briefly in the morning and I saw my father’s leg dressed in the pants that he always wore to work. And then I woke up later in the morning, being shaken on the bed by my mother. Earlier, I guess maybe it was even afternoon by that time, because earlier she poked her head in and said, “You’ve got to get ready and go to school, we have an appointment in the morning, We can’t wait for you.” So they left. Uhm, there was an open pill bottle on the floor beside me and, uh, there were pills on the floor beside me. The big jug of water would have been on the floor too. And I was on the floor, and then somehow I was back on the bed. And then the afternoon came after the appointment that they had and my mother was in my room shaking me, you know, after my pills had had enough time to kick in, do what they needed to do.
God and my divine angels love me
My mother never stopped hating me, but she didn’t want people to know that she hated me because that would make her seem like a bad mother, and a bad mother meant she would be treated, uhm, like a criminal or something. But every little thing she could do to make my life hell she did. She pitted me against my sister, made sure that any kind of relationship we could have had was crushed and ruined. I think she just really loved to fuck with us that way.
Love is more powerful than hate
Whenever I would get angry, my father would tell me that I’m just like my mother and if I was with my mother, my mother would escalate her behaviour to get more angry than I was, so that didn’t last long. When I was sad, my father would call me a wussy, say that I was better than that, and my mother would tell me that I was just trying to manipulate her. And when nobody was looking, she would provoke me to tears by calling me names, telling me things like I’m a burden and she wished she never had me, her life would be better off without me. It would get so bad that my father would have to separate us. And when I was scared, both of my parents would panic and do whatever they do in their panic because at the base of that I believe they were worried that I was going to do one little thing that would reveal the big lie that we were all a happy family and that everything was okay behind closed doors.
It is safe to be angry. It is safe to be scared. It is safe to be sad. It is safe to cry
Since my mother had emotionally abandoned me at a very young age, I had my father, so I relied on my father’s love and attention, the opportunities to bid for his attention, and gain his favour.
I deserve love
And then, when I became a teenager and I became stereo-typically sexually attractive, and a sexual being in the eyes of society, my father abandoned me, emotionally, He told me that I could do it on my own now. I’m old enough.
It’s safe to trust
And then I found boyfriends pretty much right away. Even though they were older, my parents were happy to be rid of me. They were just happy that I wasn’t in the house. And my sister felt abandoned by me, so she put her anger on me.
My mental atmosphere of love attracts little miracles each day
When I was still a child and he realized he couldn’t just have me for himself, because of things that had happened beyond my control, my father decided that I would be put to work. And he introduced me to all his friends. And all his friends friends. And all his friends friends friends. He knew a lot of people.
God loves me. And God is powerful
My father told me that doing these things was the only way to find my true love. He told me that I would only be able to know for sure which one was my soulmate if I interacted with men in this way. He told me it was good to start early because a search like this could take an entire lifetime. He told me that he would never leave me alone.
Love is real. I give and receive love freely and with joy