Abba Father, in Christ I come boldly to Your throne and kneel to worship You.
You, who has protected me from death and the traps of the enemy. You, who uses His power perfectly to bring blessings to each of us in Your timing.
Abba Father, I just want to sit here and drink in Your presence. I don’t want to go back out there. And I’m sorry if my time with You these days have been stolen by my orphan spirit, she who cannot shake this overwhelming feeling of being unloved. It goes so much deeper than bad self esteem. But You know that.
I’ve been loved by You and I’ve disappointed You. Not really. Not the same way I have come to know disappointment. What I know of disappointment is a childish unrelenting resentment that holds a grudge and wants me to hurt until the person I disappointed has stopped hurting.
In my youth, there have been many who never stopped hurting.
I know now that Your disappointment is loving, and that Your discipline is loving. You show us the way because of Your awesome mercy and grace. And this is so far beyond the comprehension of our minds and our hearts.
Father, it’s impossible for You to hold a grudge when I’m turning from my sin. It’s impossible for You to withhold mercy. I’m beginning to have mustard seed faith in the fact that even Your wrath is graceful.
As a child, I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I’ve often reacted in stubborn anger as an adult to having to deal with the pain of this trauma and how it effected the way my brain and heart and body work. I’ve often found myself stewing in resentment over having to heal. I’ve told my counsellors things like, “Why do I have to be the one to heal? Why couldn’t they do their work? Why do I have to carry all of their baggage and be the grown up?”
I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle of reacting. Still. Because there are still people in my life now that make the choice to lash out violently and maliciously on a consistent basis in response to pain.
Here’s the cycle: something that I do without malice or something that I have brings pain to people I love. They react by lashing out to hurt me – sometimes immediate and hammer-fisted, sometimes slow and cruel.
The hammer fist wants me to react big and loud – the louder the better – and if I don’t, hammer fist keeps pounding until I feel like I can’t take it anymore and react in some way, which finally sates the desire for knowing I’m in pain. As long as it outweighs hammer fist’s current pain, s/he is happy and can move on.
The slow burn never stops hurting and blames me for the pain. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who I am (which only means I am a person who experiences moments of non-pain).
Slow burn likes to subtly humiliate me. S/he likes to ‘win’ the ‘game’ of life by proving to others and themselves that s/he is better than me in all different ways – but especially ways meaningful to them.
In my childhood, I must have learned that getting slow burn back doesn’t work. And I must have learned that reacting doesn’t sate their sadistic needs to inflict pain. Because their pain never ends. And it never will. So, why should mine?
In my childhood, I must have learned to pretend it wasn’t happening. Because doing so gives slow burn the illusion of cover, of privacy, to do their thing. To survive in my home, I had to pretend I wasn’t being purposefully harmed when I was.
Otherwise, slow burn would feel like the plan was ruined. And since slow burn relies on outsmarting people, it wasn’t very smart to do anything that made the person feel like I was smarter. Ever.
This is how I’ve sinned. It says in God’s word that it’s a sin to suppress the truth. And now I see I’m still doing it. I’m afraid of getting hurt, Abba Father. I’m sorry that I struggle with faith in Your ability to protect me. I didn’t feel protected as a child. But I’m 39 now. And I’m asking for Your help to feel protected by You and to have faith in You.
I need You to bring me all in, Abba Father. I confess I’ve been trying to do this on my own. I confess what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. I confess I need Your help.
Please tie my hands so I cannot sin in this way again. Please take from me what I struggle to give to You.
Help me allow You to shelter and fill me with Your perfect love all of the time. Help me to not resist.
Edify Your will for my next steps, Abba Father. Give me the courage to take these steps. I can feel my body curling up, seizing up, not wanting to move forward.
Thank You for everything. The good and the bad, the joy and the pain.
God, as I was praying over sharing this prayer, Holy Spirit convicted me.
Thank You for illuminating the patterns that I have in responding to this pain.
You showed me that after a long tome suppressing the truth of being attacked by someone who needs to feel like s/he cannot be outsmarted, I do get to a point where I cannot take it anymore.
Somehow I say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ and this shows that I know on some level the person is trying to hurt me. The cover of being a loving person who wants the best for me is blown.
And when something shows me that this ‘round’ of torture is over, I gloat. I do. I rub it in his or her face. I do a little dance. I shine the light You gave me so bright, I’m blinding.
This is how I’ve not honoured Holy Spirit. I’m so sorry God. I want to turn away from this sin completely.
To truly honour Holy Spirit would be to shine brilliantly as You will, Abba Father.
Instead, I’ve been pleasing people, not You.
I’m sorry I didn’t recognize this sooner. I’m sorry for the ways in which these delays and my suppressing truth has hurt people I love and have loved. Please forgive me. Please help me know how to make amends with those who you will me to have a relationship with, or to make reparations to.
Please show me how to shine Your light within me as You will, Holy Father.
Help me move from these childish ways and boldly step onto the path You have made for me.
Thank You for Your unfailing and never ending love. Your love is never wrong. And I’m so grateful to have You in my life, that You are willing to bend down to meet me where I am.
I love You so much,